Rating: R (For angst and attempted suicide)
Disclaimer: All of the materials borrowed from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel belong to Joss Whedon and to the entities and companies associated with their creation. I have borrowed them for creative and entertainment purposes only. No compensation has been or ever shall be received for the writing below. No copyright infringement is intended. The song is Two Out of Three Ain't Bad by Meatloaf. I get nothing from it. Please don't sue
Distribution: The Kennedy Fanfic Archive: http://www.kennedyfanfic.com/fanfic/
Wolf Tales: http://www.elfie.org/~wolfkin/wolftales/index.html
If you are interested in posting my story on your site, please contact me first for permission.
Feedback: Yes, please. Any type you wanna send. Can't fix what I don't know is broken, right?
Spoilers: Show's been off the air since May of 2003. Can they still be considered spoilers?
Author's Notes: I have kept to the BtVS/Angel canon to the end of the season 7 episode Storyteller. From there, the story is a little different.
F/F romance: This story assumes a loving and sexual relationship between people of the same gender. If this offends or is illegal for you, then please leave. Come back when you are older, have an open mind, moved, or changed your laws.
Pairing: Willow/Kennedy, Kennedy/Other
Summary: Kennedy thinks back to the morning Willow said goodbye.
It was just a little roadside bar in the middle of nowhere, but it looked good to the rider of the Harley as she rode toward it. Pulling into the parking lot, she found a place to leave her bike and stopped, settling it onto it's kick stand. Reaching up, she pulled the midnight black helmet off, revealing long locks of hair only a shade or two lighter than the helmet. Opening the storage box on the back of the seat, she stored the headgear and and went inside.
Stopping in the doorway, she let her eyes adjust for a second, her gaze sweeping automatically for threats, finding none more hazardous than a couple of almost drunk idiots. The petite beauty proceeded to the bar and ordered a beer, swigging about a third immediately. The woman sat for several minutes, occasionally takes pulls from her beer, signaling for another when it was empty.
Sensing movement, her eyes flicked up, then back to her beer when she saw it was only one of the locals. He'd apparently screwed up his courage enough to talk to her.
"Hey there, gorgeous. What's your name?" the man asks smoothly.
"My business." the woman answers indifferently.
The man's face is shocked for a moment. He's not used to being blown off, but he quickly regroups and tries again. "Aw, come on. Don't be like that! How about I buy you another beer and we can talk about things."
The brunette sighs and finally looks at the man. He flinches at the look in her eyes as she tells him, "The only thing we have to talk about is whether you leave me alone before or after you start bleeding. Which is it?"
The idiot starts to get mad, then finally gets it through his head that she's not joking and not making an idle threat. He smiles wanly and walks away. The woman turns back to her drink, draining the bottle. Afterwards, she walks over to the jukebox in the corner and looks through the listings of CDs available, stopping at one in particular.
[Knew they'd have that one. This kind of place always does.] she thinks to herself. Putting a dollar in the machine, she make a single selection, ignoring the other two for now. Sitting at a table near the music machine, she signals for another beer, then sits back to listen to the words of the song she's chosen. The same song she listens to every time she goes through what is becoming a ritual for her.
As the song starts, her memory plays back the scene from her bedroom this morning. The reason for her being in this dive, swilling bad beer and scaring red necked casanovas.
Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't getting us nowhere
I told you everything I possibly can
There's nothing left inside of here
And maybe you can cry all night
But that'll never change the way that I feel
The snow is really piling up outside
I wish you wouldn't make me leave here
The morning had started pleasant enough. She and Bekka had just finished a heated round of love making and were quietly enjoying the afterglow. Her conscience had started bugging the brunette a few minutes later, as it had for a few days now, starting a pattern she was beginning to become familiar with.
Bekka was lying with her head on her shoulder, blonde hair spread out in a disordered curtain behind her. The girl kissed her, near the collarbone and murmured, "Mmmmm. Love you, Kenn."
Kennedy just looked down at the other girl and gave her a little squeeze. "Yeah, I know you do." She kissed the girl's head and closed her eyes, dropping into a light doze. Just before she started to fall asleep, she felt the blonde sigh and move away from her, getting up to start her day.
"Gotta go to work, pretty girl. Pizza ok for dinner?" When she got no answer, Bekka nudged a foot. "Kennedy!" The Slayer opened an eye. "Pizza. For dinner?"
When Kennedy nodded, the blonde smiled and headed for the bathroom. thirty minutes later, she was ready to leave. She slowed down long enough to kiss the Slayer on the forehead, then left the bedroom. It still bothered her that Kennedy wouldn't tell her that she loved the blonde teacher.
It seemed that the older woman had fell in instant love with the smaller woman from the moment she'd saved her from a vampire attack. Helping the blonde home afterwards had turned into a few dates, then Kennedy had moved in with her about three weeks later. Fast for her, but she didn't mind. She knew she loved the brunette and was confident that soon, the Slayer would tell her she returned the affections. With that happy hope, she went to face her own band of demons, sixth graders.
And maybe you can cry all night
But that'll never change the way that I feel
The snow is really piling up outside
I wish you wouldn't make me leave here
I poured it on and I poured it out
I tried to show you just how much I care
I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout
But you've been cold to me so long
I'm crying icicles instead of tears
As soon as she had heard Bekka's car leave, Kennedy's eyes had snapped open and she sat up. She was feeling it again, the faint feeling of betrayal. It was impossible, of course. There was no one to betray. Willow had made that plain. The Slayer still couldn't shake the feeling anymore this time than the last time it had happened. Or the time before that, or before that, going back along the string of more than a dozen women over the last six years.
Getting out of bed, she showered and dressed, then started packing her belongings. She started to take the only picture of herself in the whole house, one of her and Bekka laughing at a local fair, but decided to leave it. She had no idea if the blonde would want a picture of her around, but she didn't want it because of the happy blonde in her arms. Kennedy never wanted to remember anyone but the redhead.
And all I can do is keep on telling you
I want you
I need you
But there ain't no way
I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad...
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
Now don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
That was how she'd ended up at this seedy, roadside tavern. She'd wanted a beer and to think and she'd hoped they'd have this song on the jukebox. It always made her feel both better and worse every time this moment came. Whenever she started to remember too much, or the woman she was using to forget the redhead would start to get too clingy. Start talking up how much she loved the Slayer, expecting an answer of returned love that would never happen.
You'll never dig for gold on a sandy beach
You'll never drill for oil on a city street
I know you're looking for a ruby in a mountain of rock
But there ain't no Coupe de Ville hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box
I can't lie
I can't tell you that I'm something I'm not
No matter how I try
I'll never be able
To give you something
Something that I just haven't got
She always told them, right off, that she wasn't looking for a long-term thing, but as the weeks turned to months and the brunette stayed around, they all had figured she'd changed her mind. They had all started telling her how much they loved her, but she didn't have it in her to give them her love. There was none to give. She did know, on the other hand, what they felt when she left. She'd felt it a little over six years ago herself
There's only one girl that I will ever love
And that was so many years ago
And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart
She never loved me back
Ooh I know
Kennedy reached in her left hand inside pocket and pulled out a worn velvet box. Opening it, as she always did at these times, she looked at the beautiful diamond, emerald and ruby ring inside. [See?] she thought, [Ritual.] Every time, she'd gone through this. Every time she had sat and thought before leaving another temporary lover, she pulled out the damn ring and stared at it, remembering what brought her to this moment. Part of her told her to hock it. Just sell it and damn the memories, but she knew she never would.
She sipped at her latest beer and let her memories wash over her. She remembers the night she came in after patrol. She and Faith and Jo had cleaned a large nest out of Highland Park cemetery and all three Slayers were feeling the double Hs like never before. As soon as they had got back to the apartment complex they all shared, the other two Slayers had mumbled goodbyes before heading for Faith's apartment to eat something and then take care of their mutual horniness. Kennedy had run all the way to the place she shared with Willow, ignoring food for now in her need to hold the witch in her arms and make her scream her name over and over.
She burst into the apartment and saw her redhead dozing on the couch in front of the tv. Crossing the distance swiftly, she kept her libido in check, barely, and softly kissed her girl awake. "Will, baby, wake up. I'm home." She kissed her again, feeling the witch return her kiss, knowing she was awake now.
As she drew back, Willow saw the need there and bit her lip. She'd intended to tell Kennedy she was leaving, but she couldn't leave her like this. The redhead knew she wasn't in love with the young Slayer, but she did love her and knew if she didn't help now, Kennedy might do something she'd hate herself for, so she just asked, "Want something to eat, sweetie?"
Kennedy's throaty growl made her shiver. "Only you. Now. Please?"
Willow hesitated for a split second, then smiled coyly and stood, taking Kennedy's hand. She led the Slayer to what Kennedy still thought of as their bedroom, though the witch knew that was no longer true. It was Kennedy's bedroom. She already had a new apartment and had spent the day and evening moving her things from here to there while Kennedy was gone. She had even removed the door key for here from her key ring, leaving it on the kitchen table when she's returned to wait for Kennedy to come home.
Now, she led the Slayer into the darkened room and turning to her, started undressing the girl while she undressed the witch. As soon as they both had their shirts off, Kennedy lunged forward, kissing her girl fiercely. She swept Willow into her arms and deposited her in the middle of the bed, stopping the heated kiss only then. Never noticing that half the room's furnishings and clothes were missing, far too distracted by the nude redhead in front of her, Kennedy proceeded to make love to her witch for hours.
Willow, for her part, greatly enjoyed their love making, even delighting in how she made the young Slayer feel and what she did to her, but it was a very bittersweet experience. The knowledge that this would be the last time somewhat ruined what would have been their best, hottest night ever. Pushing those thoughts from her head, Willow instead concentrated on making this night last forever in Kennedy's mind. She knew she was going to break the Slayer's heart in the morning, so she figured she owed her one night of total love first. She held nothing back.
I remember how she left me on a stormy night
She kissed me and got out of our bed
And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door
She packed her bags and turned right away
And she kept on telling me
She kept on telling me
She kept on telling me
Willow awoke first and smiled at the sleeping brunette tangled in her arms and legs, then her smile faded as she remembered what would be happening in just a little while. For the umpteenth time, she asked her mind and soul if this was what she truly wanted. The answer came back a somewhat reluctant yes. She knew she couldn't let herself fall for the Slayer. The worrying over her night after night would make her crazy and be far too tempting for her hard won control. Herself out of control again was one of her recurring nightmares, especially if they couldn't talk her down again.
Sighing softly, trying not to wake Kennedy, Willow gently and slowly extracted herself from the Slayer's embrace and got up. She grimaced a bit. She hadn't thought about this happening and had no clothes here now to change into, so she'd have to wait for a shower. After cleaning herself up as best she could, the redhead went to the kitchen and started making breakfast for them both. Again, she figured her news would be a shock, so she might as well make sure the young brunette was well fed first.
She ate by herself, thinking she should probably get used to it again, then fixed a tray for Kennedy and carried it to the bedroom. Long experience had taught her about Kennedy's habits and the Slayer was just waking as she walked in.
Kennedy smiled at her witch. "Morning baby! Smells great!"
Willow smiled back, though it fled quickly. "Morning." She sat the tray over the Slayer's legs, partly evading Kennedy's attempt at a good morning kiss that landed on her cheek instead of her lips.
Kennedy's eyebrows drew down in confusion, but she shook it off. Willow sometimes took spells like that, so she just thought it would be alright soon. She looked at the tray and saw only enough food for herself. "You're not hungry?" she asked, confused again.
The redhead shook her head. "I've been up for an hour or so. Already ate." She smiled. "You go ahead. You didn't have any food last night when you got back, so I thought you'd be all hungry this morning."
Kennedy just shrugged and smiled, then dug into her food. It was true, she was absolutely starving, and no one made breakfast like her Willow. As she finished the last bite, she sat back and looked at her girl, sheepishly. She'd eaten so fast, she had totally ignored the witch in her haste to fill the gaping hole in her middle. "Sorry." she mumbled around the last mouthful.
Willow smiled at her. "It's ok, Kennedy. I've seen you like this before, so I totally understand." She stood and removed the tray from the bed, again evading a kiss.
The Slayer frowned. "Ok, Red, what's going on? Why won't you let me kiss you this morning?"
Willow sighed and set the tray on the dresser. Screwing up her courage, she said, without turning around. "We need to talk."
Kennedy's eyes opened wide, at the tone of her lover's voice as much as the words. Suddenly scared, she looked wildly around the room, only then noticing that everything in it belonged to her alone. Nothing of Willow's was there. Her heart died and her breath exploded from her as she realized what was happening. "Y-y-you're leaving. Aren't you?" she whispered. She had no breath in her body to make the question louder.
"Yes," was the simple answer. Willow still wouldn't turn around. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she thought, 'Oh Goddess! Why is this so hard?'
Kennedy still couldn't get enough air into her body. She felt her eyes water and tears fell immediately. "Why? I thought you loved me? You know how much I love you! Willow, I'd die for you. Why?" she sobbed out.
The redhead finally turned and the Slayer saw she was crying too. "I do love you, b-but only a little more than Buffy or Xander or Dawnie. And-and pretty much the same way. I'm not in love with you, though. I never have been and I-I don't think I ever will be. Kennedy, you saved me from a dark, depressed place. You helped me live again and I'll always be grateful, but it's just not enough."
"So-so you just decide one morning that's it? That the last year was a waste and it's time to go?"
Willow shakes her head violently. "No! Never a waste! That thought never crossed my mind. I'll always treasure out time together, just like I'll always love you as my friend. At least, I hope we can be friends, someday."
The witch stops and tries to organize her thoughts, but they are a tangled mess. "And I didn't decide this this morning. I-I've been thinking on it for the last month, trying to decide if i really wanted to end us. W-what I found out was, I want you badly, even now. A-and I've always needed to see you, to be with you, but I've never been in love with you. The want and the need are almost enough. Almost. But, it's not quite. I need more than that. I'm sorry."
I want you
I need you
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad...
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
I want you
I need you
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
Don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
Faith had found her later that day. Buffy had clued the once rogue Slayer to what was happening and the brunette's heart had gone out to her friend. She'd been through this, once, and Buffy twice. They knew the younger Slayer would recover in time, but she needed someone with her for the first few days. Since Buffy was with Willow, helping the redhead through the leaving as well as the guilt of breaking Kennedy's heart, Faith had volunteered to go to the younger girl.
Not bothering to knock, the brunette walked into Kennedy's apartment. "Junior?" she called, looking around. Her Slayer senses on alert, she suddenly jerked her head toward the bedroom as she smelled blood. Running into the room, she saw the other Slayer sitting on the bed, blood soaking her legs and the bed under her.
"Stay open! Stay open!" she chanted as she drew a dagger over her wrists again and again. She was furious that her Slayer healing abilities kept closing the cuts nearly as fast as she made them. "Screw it!" She brought the dagger up and positioned it to plunge into her heart. [Let's see this heal.] she thought savagely.
"Kennedy!" Faith flew across the room and grabbed the knife out of the girl's hands, flinging it away. "No you don't, girl. Not gonna happen. Kenn, you have to stay here."
Kennedy looked up, enraged that her fellow Slayer had stopped her, then her face fell as she saw Faith wouldn't let her escape. "I-I can't live like this. I need her back. Make her come back!"she pleaded, her tears doubling and clouding her vision.
Faith sat beside her and pulled her into her arms. Rocking the younger girl as she held her, she whispered, "I wish I could, K, but you have to stay with us. I'm so sorry." Her own tears slid slowly down her face as he heart went out to her 'sister'.
Kennedy clung to the older brunette and broke down completely. Her tears flowed and her body was wracked with massive sobs as she said, over and over, like a mantra, "wantherbackwantherbackwantherback"
Faith just held her until she passed out, then picked her up and carried the smaller woman to the living room, lying her on the couch. Returning to the bedroom, she stripped the sheets from the bed, grimacing at the huge bloodstain in the mattress. She knew it would have to be replaced, but that could wait. The Slayer flipped the mattress over and put clean sheets on the bed, throwing the blood soaked ones away.
Then she headed for the living room to wait for Kennedy to wake up. She didn't leave the apartment for three days.
Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't getting us nowhere
Kennedy shook her head, pulling herself from the memories with an almost physical effort. She reached up and wiped the tears from her face with an impatient gesture. [Think that would stop happening after a while.] she thinks with annoyance. Pulling a napkin from the dispenser in the table's center, she blows her nose, then gets another and finishes drying her eyes and face.
She finishes her beer and tosses the bartender a fifty as she goes by. As she starts passed the jerk who propositioned her earlier, he smirks at her and mutters, "Damn dyke."
Kennedy's lips peel back in a snarl and she backhands the guy, sending him flying ten feet before he crashes to the floor, already unconscious. She looks challengingly at the two guys standing with him, but they both hold up a hand that they're cool. "Tell him to watch his mouth next time." she tells them as she leaves.
Getting on her bike, she slides her helmet on and starts getting her mind ready for the talk ahead. It's never gone well and she doesn't expect it to this time. None of the women she's been with over the last six years would understand that she couldn't love them because a redheaded witch owned her heart and soul and always would. There was nothing she could do about it and she was tired of trying. It was simply the way it was.
Sighing, she started the bike and starts to pull out, heading toward what, until that morning, had been home. She still had a few hours until Bekka got home. She could make dinner for the blonde. Maybe it would help.
She pulls out her cell phone and calls the school where Bekka works and leaves a message for her to skip the pizza, that she's cooking tonight. Hanging up, she rides off to break another heart. [Misery loves company.] she thinks.
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