Seeds of Doubt/Clouds of Confusion

See Chapter 1 for Ratings and Disclaimers

Chapter 7

"We're back," calls my girl.

"Hey Sweetie," I smile at her. She smiles back but I can tell it is forced and it worries me as I see it fade. Then Buffy walks in, I smile and wave, "Hey," but I'm confused as to why she is here.

Buffy waves back, "Will- Hey."

She too seems like something is wrong. I listen and worry more as I see my girl look at Giles and then in a tone not so pleasant say, "We need to talk!"

He looks at my young Slayer, "Of course."

Deciding I need answers I look at my Slayer unsure-- "Is something wrong?"

Buffy grimaces and I know the answer instantly. "I'll tell you what's going on in a few minutes okay?"

"Sure-I'll just be typing- that's me type- type- type." I roll my eyes at the two Slayers and the watcher. Then with a bit of a pout that I don't think my girl even noticed I go back to work.

I glance back up to see Buffy try to catch up and again pick up my girl's angry tone-but the words, though angry, are soft.

As I work I wonder what has my girl so worked up-is it Faith again. Is that why Buffy is here?-Frustrated I stop typing after a few minutes and look at them across the room.

They are still huddled together. Their words soft though I can tell Kennedy is still upset-maybe more so. I try to read their lips but I can't-and I shouldn't.

Just as I decide to go back to work and let Giles and the Slayers deal with whatever it is, a word slips softly through the air. A word one single word and I feel my heart hurt in more ways then I ever realized it could.

"Books-" says the Watcher and I know what this is about.

I watch as Kennedy grabs her backpack and runs out the door, past me without a single word and my worry doubles-no triples. My eyes stare at the door wanting to follow her out but I don't and I don't know why.

I look back to Giles and Buffy hoping for some explanation but they are still talking in hushed voices. I hate being the topic of conversation especially when I am sitting in the same room. Enough of this I finally decide and I stand to join them, however when the door opens and my girl flies back inside I sit down. My eyes glued to her as she rejoins them.

[Okay Rosenberg either walk back there and ask what all the whispery is about or get back to work]- I tell myself and self being the get-along non-confrontational type stays in the chair. Growling slightly at that fact I hit the keys of the computer keyboard, my mind forgetting about them as I go back to work. I decide the more I get done today the more time I can spend with my girl tomorrow. Tomorrow when we can touch and taste-I try to shake those thoughts away too cause not being able to touch her is way worse then being left out of a Slayer conversation.

My eyes read text and my fingers type words and soon that is all that exists. Books-words-typing. Books-words-typing. Books-Tara's book-words-Kennedy's angry tone-typing ugh--stopping again. This is so pointless I think to myself but I try again. I reread the page and enter it into the computer.

"Hey! I didn't let him do anything!" Buffy says loudly

Instantly my eyes shot up and I look at the group again. More confused then ever I try to make eye contact with my girl but she is too into the words of the blonde Slayer. Giles, however, looks my way and immediately quiets them. Finally my girl looks at me and I want to smile encouragingly but I can't.

I watch as she takes something from him and crosses the room, "Willow?" She says softly as she stands in front of me.

"What is it Sweetie?" I ask though I think I know.

"I-I'm afraid I told you a little fib earlier," she looks at the ground.

I know that admission is hard because keeping secrets is not something we do. I know my face shows my uncertainty but I can't stop it. "What about?" I ask softly-why would she lie to me?

"I wasn't getting medicine for Giles. Buffy and I went back to the book store."

With the words I know why she lied-she was trying to protect me. But why would she go back and what happened there that upset her. So many questions but I settle for just one, "Why?"

She looks up at me briefly, "Do you know Ethan Rayne?"

"Ethan--yeah." My mind races so he's involved that's never good. "So he-the book? It was him?"

"We went to check on why they had Tara's books."

Books-Tara's books that means more than one-I know she's talking still but my mind is lost. He had more-did they get them- "Books-" I manage to say. "You said books-you found-" I stop not being able to force the rest of the words out. I don't want to know-don't want to deal with-yes I do. I do-I need them. I watch her stare at the table top and understand again how hard this is on her. I fight to keep my tears away. I watch as she slowly brings the other 3 books around. I whispers her name, "Kennedy?" I can't stop the tears as I look from the books to my girl and back.

"I found these there, too-" she says softly.

Goddess I can't do this I think as I look at my Slayer. Kennedy lays the books on the table in front of me but I can't bring myself to touch them and I can't touch her because of the stupid agreement.

Again questions race through my mind and heart, "How-?-How did he-why does- he-I don't understand?"

"Don't know why, but he said a demon wanted you to have them."

It hurts my soul as I see her start to cry as well, I can't take it anymore. I wipe at my tears and stand-I move to my girl.

"Will, I know we said no touching for today, but how about just no sex? I can't stand seeing you like this and not hold you," she says, anguish in her voice. "Please?"

I just stand in front of her, my tears falling harder and I nod as I step into her body. When I feel her arms encircle me I feel safe. "I don't understand-I don't-why would-" I can't finish the questions my mind is too busy. I feel her pick me up and then sit down with me in her lap. I bury my face into Kennedy's neck.

"Don't know. Like I said, he said demon, but he got away before I could ask him anything else."

"I don't get it-it doesn't-" the tears won't stop, the pain won't stop. I can't think.

She holds me, murmuring soft reassurances, her hand stroking my hair and back.

I hear Giles speak, "I may know a way to find Ethan. Buffy and I will handle it--you should take her home, Kennedy."

I hear Kennedy's Slayer come out, "I wanna be there when you talk to him."

"I'll be sure of it-" says the man.

I make a choice and I'm not sure why, I look up at the Watcher, "Me too-I want to talk to him."

My girl looks at me, our eyes meet and I see her concern, "You sure, Red?"

I wipe my eyes and take a deep breath putting on my strong face, "Yeah-sure."

I feel her lips on my temple and hear her soft answer, "Okay."

"Okay," I hold her tighter. I try to slow my breathing, the crying has made me-I can't think of the word, "I need some air-okay?" My breath hitches. It's suddenly hard to breathe and I feel myself starting to panic.

"Hey, you wanna go home? Or maybe get some mochas?"

I relax at the word, "Mochas? Yeah, mochas and then home- okay?"

Kennedy smiles a little. "Yeah, that works. Maybe lunch?"

I force a half smile cause I want her not to worry. I bite my bottom lip, "Will you fix me sandwiches without the crust?"

She smiles at me, a real smile and I feel myself relax a little more. "I'll fix you Maine lobster if that's what you want," then she laughs.

"No-just no crusts," I tell her, still biting my lip nervously.

"And stop that, before I forget my promise." She looks into my eyes.

"Stop what?" I ask, looking into her eyes as well- though I know what she means. Me chewing on my bottom lip drives her mad-makes her want me more.

"You know what." She leans forward and I know the bet is off-yea!-I see the passion and need in her eyes, she's so gonna kiss me. However, to my surprise her lips give my nose a peck. She smiles, "See? Still keeping our deal."

Giles clears his throat and Buffy smiles. I look at them and know they are a little uncomfortable. A part of me wants to tease them but I don't. I just smile at my girl, "For now."

She looks at the Slayer and then the watcher before looking at me again, "Wanna go now?"

"Yeah-" I nod and she sets me on my feet. She stands next to me and I feel their eyes on me and their worry return- I look to my friends, "I'm okay--so no worry faces put 'em away."

"Sure Will-all gone see," Buffy smiles at me but I can still sense the uneasiness in her manner.

I watch as Kennedy smiles at Buffy and Giles then she takes my hand. "You want us back later or will tomorrow do?" She asks Giles.

"Tomorrow is fine-" he tells her and I am glad to have the day with just me and my girl. The hurt will be easier to deal with.

"Cool. Ready, babe?"

I can hear the force cheer in her words but let it go. "Ready," I tell her.

She waves for me to go first, then follows-but she stops as we go out the door. "I forgot my pack. Meet you at the bike?"

"Okay -going back for the books huh?" I ask a little unsure.

"They're yours, not Giles. Besides, he said he could look them over later." My face must betray me cause I try to seem unaffected. "Want to leave them?" She asks me.

And a part of me is glad for the betrayal. "For now okay?" I look into her eyes.

"If you're sure."

Am I sure? Mostly, I don't wanna deal with them right now. "Just for now-"I tell her.

"Okay, let me tell Giles, so he doesn't call later."

"Okay-" I watch her go back towards the house and then disappear inside. My mind wonders how he got the books and for just a instant I want them with me now. I start inside but then Kennedy is there. She takes my hand and we start walking to the motorcycle.

As we speed through the city I hear my girl's words in my head, [How about lunch and mochas, then home?]

I'm up for most anything if there's a mocha involved even when I feel crummy, [Love mochas-so sounds like a plan.]

[Anywhere special you want to eat, Red?]

[You pick,] I answer not wanting to think about anything right now, as I tighten my arms around my Slayer.

[I picked last time, Will. Your turn.]

Her mental tone is a teasing smile, so I answer the first thing that pops into my head-well the first thing that deals with food. I so want to be in her arms, in our bed lost in the need she causes in me. I shake the thoughts away. [Ah--there's that little place on 5th-with pizza-you want pizza?-they have mochas too.] For answer, my girl turns up toward 5th street. She takes her left hand off the handlebar long enough to pat mine and I want to kiss her so badly.

About 10 minutes later, she pulls the bike into an empty slot by the pizza place. Kennedy removes her helmet and turns her head to look back at me. I get off the bike and remove my helmet. I smile at her cause I know she is worrying about me and I don't want her to.

She gets off bike, stows both helmets and then holds out her hand to me and I take it as we start inside.

Once inside, Kennedy smiles at me as we wait for the hostess to seat us. She keeps smiling

My girl is up to something but instead for trying to figure it out I just ask, "What are you up to?"

"Me? Nothing," she tells me.

"That smile-it means something," I challenge as I bump shoulders with my sneaky girl. "Confess."

"Nothing to confess, not this time. Just enjoying myself. Looking at the most beautiful woman in the world and all." Her smile bigger before she pulls my hand to her lips and softly kisses it.

I feel myself blush at her comments and I start to lean in to kiss her, but I stop just in time as I remember, "Almost forgot." I pout a little sad.

She tries to get around the deal and it makes me smile, "Hey, we said no sexy stuff. Comfort is okay." She pouts. "Needing some comfort here."

I want to give in, I do but I can't, "That's so not true, you're trying to cheat." I tease with a smile

My girl giggles. A real honest giggle, "Caught me," she says. "Can't blame a girl for trying, can you?"

"No," I agree as I shake my head. "It was a good try too."

My girl smiles and kisses my hand again as the hostess appears and leads then to their table. It's a corner booth, private like we usually want but this time it only adds to the torture of the new no touching plan. I sit down but my love doesn't and I look at her unsure.

"Order, would you, Sweetie? Need to... ah-" she smiles and heads to the back.

"Sure--everything on it?" I ask.

She looks back over her shoulder at me, "Sure, whatever you want." Her soft smile is reassuring as she turns and goes towards the bathroom.

The waitress comes over a few minutes later. "Do you need a few more minutes?"

"No," I say. "An extra large with everything-light sauce though and two sodas and later mochas." Waitress writes it all down, smiles and leaves.

Kennedy comes back a couple of minutes later, "Everything good, baby?" She slides in the booth across from me.

I want to pout, cause I want her next to me but this is for the best. "All ordered-you okay?"

She nods, "No problems, just you know-nature." I am still not convinced and she knows it. She grins evilly. "Of course, you could always check things for me. Just to make sure?"

I can't stop the eye roll that follows, as I shake my head and smile.

My girl holds up her hands. "I know! Tomorrow!" She grins.

"You're not gonna make this whole no kissing you thing easy are you?" I ask already knowing the answer.

Her grin becomes a smirk, "I can be quiet," she threatens.

And I feel my lips form a sad pout, "No-I-quiet is bad-"

Kennedy schools her expression. "I'll stop teasing. Well," she adds with a smirk, "till I forget I need to wait for a while."

"That's fair," I concede and then smile, "cause I might forget too."

Kennedy drops her hand across the table, palm up and smiles at me tenderly. I can feel her love and her desire to make me happy as I look into her eyes. I put my hand in hers. She nods to our joined hands. "It's enough-for now."

"Yeah," I admit as I squeeze hers gently.

There is a bit of strained silent as I try to think of something to talk about but she speaks first, "So, what's with this Ethan guy?"

I'm not sure this is the best conversation either but I decide to answer, "He and Giles were buddies at University-they were into the Magicks. A little too deep according Giles, so he kinda stopped being friends."

"So, he's a witch?" My girl asks, she looks a little confused.

It's weird being with someone not magically inclined, but it's a good weird. "No-but he can summon things-and he's tied to Demons-" I watch her eyes. "Some kind of you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours thing."

"That explains things." She says her tone terse.

I watch as her face clears of confusion, but something stronger replaces it. "Hey-what's that look-" I know, but I want her to tell me.

"What look?"

Worried I clarify, "The one on your face just now."

"Nothing."

I know she is hiding from me, "It's all grrrrrrrr-or something-" she doesn't answer. "Kennedy?"

The neutral, it's nothing smile appears and the words follow, "Really, it's nothing."

I try again cause I know better, "Baby? You sure? Cause it looked like something-a big something." I make her eyes meet mine.

She grimaces, but confesses, "Okay, I just owe him a few bruises, that's all."

I touch my girl's face and she leans into my hand. I don't want her to be vengeful I know too well were it leads, "Sweetie, I'm okay-and he's not worth-forget him." She looks away then back at me and I try again, "Let's just worry about the why-okay?"

Finally she speaks but it's not the words I want and need to hear. "I can't. He hurt you and I can't let that happen. Not ever."

"But, I'm all better now-promise and I have things-of-of Tara's that I wouldn't have." I try hard to reach some part of her that will understand, "So really-it was okay."

I am surprised as I see her eyes fill and then a single tear breaks free and roll down her cheek. My heart hurts for her cause it's hard for her too. "Okay?" I lean forward and kiss her chastely. "Shhh- don't okay," my own tears try to escape but I won't let them.

My girl leans into another gentle kiss, then just holds it for several seconds. "It's not okay, but I'll do anything you want me too, Red." Her tears fall and she wipes impatiently at her face.

"I wanna just have lunch and forget-okay?" I plead with teary eyes.

She turns her head and kisses my palm. "Okay." She looks into my eyes, "I love you, Red."

"I love you," now's as good a time as any I decide- "but I don't-like-don't call me that okay?" I end rather weak, but I need her to stop.

Her face is confused again, "Call you what?" She asks innocently.

I say simply, "Red."

Her tears stop and I am a little worried by the sudden change in emotion, "Why not? I've been calling you that since I met you."

She's right, she has but all this stuff with Faith lately, "Yeah-but-Faith-she and-it reminds me-and I don't-" I shake my head. "Just- okay?"

A scowl covers her face, "Right, Faith." She shakes her head, her expression clears, "I might slip up for a day or too, but I'll stop. I promise."

"Thanks," I smile at my girl, knowing she loves me so much she'll do anything for me.

"Still owe her an ass kicking for scaring me and pulling me away from you," she adds.

"And I still get to watch," I feel the smile cross my face.

Kennedy grins and leers-then asks, "Change your mind about the cheerleader's outfit?"

"No-no cheerleader outfit. Sorry sweetie."

My girl mock pouts, "But, baby, I'd be all motivated to win quickly and take you home to celebrate! You sure?" She teases, her eyebrows wiggling.

"We can't celebrate remember?"

The waitress brings the pizza and drinks- "Anything else?" We both shake our head and she walks away.

"Not tonight, no-" she smiles seductively, "but tomorrow?" The young Slayer licks her lips suggestively

"No-and put that smile away-no cheerleader outfits." I make a face and cringe for a second. "Brings back bad Cordy visions.-High school-ugh!"

She finally laughs and holds up her hands, surrendering. She serves us both a slice of pizza. I smile at the small victory and begin to eat. I watch my girlfriend as she chews and looks thoughtfully off into space for several minutes. I can't help but wonder what she's planning now. She nods to herself and then looks at me and smiles.

"What?-and don't even try that nothing excuse again," I tell her pointedly.

"Wasn't gonna. Just trying to think of something to call you, since Red is out."

"There's Willow-" I tease.

She grins and shakes her head. "Gotta share that with everyone." A smirk crosses her face and I roll my eyes. "Could call you Dani, but that really doesn't work for me."

"Dani?-" I try to play it off like she's wrong about my middle name but it doesn't work. "How'd you know my middle-" I stop as she smiles mischievously. "Who told you?" She just raises an eyebrow not answering. "Xander?" I'll so-some best friend. She shakes her head. Boy, you're lucky mister I think to myself before moving on to the next suspect. "Buffy-it was Buffy wasn't it?"

"Nope," she says and that's all she says. She's so loving this.

"Who?" She laughs. "It was Dawnie-she's gonna-" she laughs again. "It's not funny-" I state.

She finally names the snitch, "Dawnie. I asked, she told."

"She's so in trouble and so are you-" I tell my lover.

She just shrugs, "Why?" Her smile dies a bit.

I don't want that I want playful Kennedy, "Cause you know and I don't know yours and that's not fair-" I give her my pouty face.

Kennedy smiles at me. "Did you ever ask?"

My heart drops, "Well-I was-then well the First-and the big hole-and no-" my pout returns. My girl laughs and reaches her hand across the table taking mine. "I'm a bad girlfriend." I say sadly.

Kennedy shakes her head vehemently, "No, just a lot competing for your big brain's attention."

I glare at her, "Now you're teasing me."

Kennedy looks at me, completely open faced and honest- "Nope, telling the truth.-"

I pout again playfully, "So are you gonna tell me what it is?"

"I got curious about a bunch of things and asked Dawn. She filled me in."

"What else did she tell you?" My mind races-Dawn is so gonna get it. I bet she told her embarrassing stuff.

Kennedy grimaces. "I don't want to get her into any more trouble here."

"She's already in trouble-the most you can hope for is to save yourself Slayer," I give her my best evil eye.

The Slayer smiles and shrugs again, "She told me your birthday, your favorite colors, the horse thing. Couple other things, but those are the biggies."

My heart sinks, "The horse thing!?" I hide my face, I can feel the red rising on my skin.

"Just that you don't like them."

"Really?" I look up at my girl, "Oh-okay."

She smiles, going for apologetic. "I didn't ask for details."

I smile at her, "I'll tell one day-if you want to know." She's my, there shouldn't be any secrets, even embarrassing ones. "There's two really," I confess.

"I want to know everything about you." Kennedy looks at the tabletop. "I'm sorry I didn't ask you about that stuff." She looks confused, then asks, "Two reasons for not liking horses?"

"Yes and it's okay that you asked Dawn." I look in her eyes, "I want to know things about you too-and what's middle name?" I smirk, "Thought you had me all distracted didn't you?" She grins and I glare playfully as I tease, "Tell me--I have a right to know."

Kennedy giggles. "You so do." Her face gets very serious.

Serious face, why is she all serious. "Serious face?" I ask unsure.

"Maria. Kennedy Maria Sanchez," she smiles at me.

I smile back, it's a beautiful name-beautiful just like her. "Maria--I like Maria."

"Better?" She smiles.

I nod, "Yeah." I hesitate but then speak, "I had a birthday party with a pony when I was little."

"Bad?" Her face is full of concern.

I start the story and we talk while we eat-I smile as we get to know each other even better. When we've finished the pizza, the waitress comes back and my girl orders mochas. After they arrive, she smiles at me. "So, anyway, I can't call you Dani ." I shake my head and frown as we sip mochas. "Cause first-doesn't really fit for me, but most important you don't want me to."

I smirk and then whisper in my girl's ear-teasing her can be so fun, "You could always call me lover." Damn why am I the one blushing.

My lover grins and blushes very lightly. I decide however against the name, "Not a good idea."

"You really want me to do that in public?" She asks.

"Forget I mentioned it," I say softly. My Slayer extends her hand and I take it. I sip my mocha.

She smiles at me, "A question for you. Am I still your kite string?"

Remembered words enter my thoughts, You be a kite and I'll be your kite string I can't help but smile. I take another sip and nod with a smile--"My kite string-always," I assure her.

Kennedy sips her drink, "So you're my kite, right?"

A million words race through my mind but I answer simply, "Yes-" I smile at my kite string as I take one more sip from the mocha.

Kennedy leans across the table and lightly runs her curled fingers down my cheek sending shivers through me. "My Milano." she says dreamily.

I smile and lean into her touch- "Milano?" I'm a little confused.

My girl chuckles. "Not the cookies, silly! It means kite in Spanish."

"I like-" I take her hand again and kiss it softly. She raises our joined hands and plants a light kiss there.

I just look at her and the love is so amazing. I try to sip more mocha only to find it empty. I can't stop the pout that forms on my face.

My girl laughs. "Want another?" She slides hers across the table to me.

"You're the best girlfriend ever," I state and pick it up to take a drink.

"Been telling you that for months!" She quips with a smile.

I just shake my head and smile, "Knew I heard it somewhere," I say as I tease my girl. She signals the waitress and hands her a credit card with a teasing smile for me. I finish her mocha as well, "Another first?" I ask hoping she isn't counting.

Kennedy retracts the card. "Two more please." I smile but it fades with her words. "That'll be the 3 mocha limit, sweetie."

Damn! I pout playfully hoping to break her but I don't, "Fine!" I drop a pouty lip.

"You wanna bounce of the walls tonight? Especially since we can't really burn that energy off?"

"Grumble-Forgot--who's dumb idea was that anyway?" I ask but I know the answer, mine-and I'm suppose to be the smart one.

She winks at me, "Buffy's."

"Buffy?" I ask as I look at her face.

She seems so serious. "She can take the blame," says my girl. "It's a leader's job, after all."

"Right-it's all her fault--oh-oh-we could blame Faith too."

She agrees, "That works. Second in charge and all."

"Or I could just do the responsible thing and take the blame myself--I was a stupid head," I can admit.

She squeezes my hand, "Stop that!"

I protest, "But I said it--and it was-grrrrrrrrrrr!"

Kennedy shakes her head. "No, I mean the names. We decided to do this, remember? Not just you."

My mocha is delivered and I just stare at it, suddenly not in a mocha mood. But then, a thought crosses my mind, "We did, so can we just undecide it?" Please-please-please agree.

I watch as she shakes her head, "You were right. We are late to too many things and we need to stop. This was a good idea and, if it's hard, it just means we really, really love each other, right?"

I search her eyes for some little doubt but there is none-she's gonna do this, "I guess but--I need-okay-" I concede though I am far from happy.

"If you want to try again in a day or two, I can do that, but I just wanted you to stop with the blame."

Now she wavers after I make up my mind, "No-I can do it if you can. I can be-not touchy or snuggly--and no smoochies."

Kennedy seems unsure, "Not sure I can. Especially when we go to bed tonight," she admits.

I pout and growl, "This is hard."

She smiles. "Maybe we can modify it again. Make it a test of stopping. Cause it's the stopping that's hard. I want to kiss you so bad right now."

"Stopping is the hard part, okay-modifying is good," I smile. "So, we'll work on the stopping- we can do that." I breath a sigh of relief and pick up the mocha suddenly needing the chocolatey goodness. I am sure now our problem is solved.

"Yep!" Kennedy smiles confidently, then grins sheepishly. "I think."

We finish our mochas plans made for the day, then pay the bill and start to the motorcycle. When we reach it my girl hands me my helmet.

"Home now?" She asks me.

"Home please," I lean in and kiss her. I pull back with a smile, "See stopping."

She takes me in her arms and kisses me and then she too pulls away, "Yep, we can stop."

"This is easy," I proclaim.

"Only because we're standing on a street corner." Kennedy admits ruefully

I put on my helmet with a smile, "Maybe," I admit quietly. Only her Slayer hearing allows her to hear the word. It's gonna be a long night!

Kennedy's POV

I try to dismiss that thought. I mean, I've known Giles for a couple years now and I pretty much look at the guy like Buffy or Will, like a dad, but there's that little niggling doubt. I shake my head yet again, trying to get rid of it, but it's still there.

As soon as I feel Buffy's hands slip from my waist, I'm off the bike and almost running for the house. I have to see his eyes, have to hear Giles tell me he didn't know about any of this.

As I push the door open, catching it before it can slam into the wall, I stop and force myself to calm down, force my expression to be at least neutral, so that I don't scare Willow. And that's all it really takes, picturing my everything and not wanting her to worry and I'm calm again. Well, calmer, anyway.

Walking into the library, I call, "We're back," as I look around and see that not much has changed while I was gone. My girl's still typing away on something, but I think Giles is reading a different book.

"Hey sweetie!" Will responds, smiling at me. Still really distracted, I smile back, but it fades quickly as I look at Giles and feel Buffy come in from behind me.

I hear Willow's greeting and Buffy's answer, but my attention is on Giles as I walk over to where he's standing, flipping through a book. "We need to talk!" I hiss at him

Giles just looks up from his book again, though he frowns. Guess he's noticed I'm really not happy. He's about to find out just how not happy, too as my mind seethes, once more thinking about Giles' taste in friends. "Of course," he answers blandly.

I point at the far side of the library for our talk and Giles begins to move. Part of my mind hears my girl ask if anything's wrong, but right now my focus is totally on finding this Ethan jerk and beating the shit out of him

Once I'm sure we're too far away for Willow to hear what we say, I snarl, "Giles, who the hell is Ethan Rayne?"

I watch as my Watcher's face closes before he answers me. "Ethan--should have known he'd be involved," he says in an annoyed tone.

"Yeah, he's involved all right! Who is he and why does he want to hurt my girlfriend?" I growl. I can feel my anger returning full force, my vision going faintly red at the edges. I force myself to calm back down a bit. I keep reminding myself that I won't get my answers if I beat the shit out of Giles. I feel Buffy behind me and I know she'll stop me if I lose it. That thought helps me regain control.

Giles sighs. "Ethan and I were friends at one time-now acquaintances would be a better term-maybe enemies, depending on the day." His eyes harden a little as he looks at me sharply.

Another growl escapes from my throat as I reply. "He owns the damned store. He set us up to buy the books. Put them all out intentionally!"

"He said he was working for a demon," Buffy adds. I glance her way, but my eyes whip right back to Giles.

Our Watcher's face closes down in what I recognize as his thinking pose. "Why did the demon want Willow to have the book?" he wonders out loud before suddenly looking up at me. "Books?You said books- as in plural?"

I reach to hand him the newest finds, then realize I left them in the bike's storage bin. "Shit," I mutter under my breath. "Be right back." I call as I grab my pack off the table and head back out the door.

* * *

No One's POV

Giles watches Kennedy turns and dash from the room, his eyebrows contracted in a worried line. The man's gaze shifts to his Slayer. "Where did she go?"

Buffy looks from the doorway, to Willow. Seeing her best friend looking their way, she flashes a smile, then looks at Giles. "Oh, probably to get the other books." She glances back at the young hacker across the room and sighs. "Uh, Giles? We may have some trouble."

Giles almost smiles. "I should think that's rather obvious, Buffy."

The blonde growls a little. "No, you don't understand!" she snarls softly, then takes a breath. A quick glance toward the door, then she quietly adds, "She - she almost killed Ethan."

"Kennedy?" he asks, surprised.

Buffy nods, her eyes wide and worried. "Yeah. And I mean neck snappage here." She mimics breaking someone's neck.

"Surely she was just acting to get information," Giles suggests, though his expression shows he's not sure he agrees with his own words.

The Slayer shakes her head. "No, she was serious. If I hadn't stopped her, we'd be having this conversation 'down town', if you know what I mean."

Giles begins to clean his glasses and, despite the seriousness of the moment, Buffy relaxes a little and even grins the least bit. It dies when she takes in her Watcher's serious expression.

"Oh! An-and when he escaped, I had to stop her from burning the place down." She adds with a frown at the memory. "Giles, what're we gonna do?" The blonde half turns toward the front of the house as she hears the front door open and close.

Giles serious expression turns grave. "This is-I'll speak with her, Buffy. We can't have her running around town being well-Faith," he finishes somewhat lamely. Then he kind of grimaces. "Or well the old Faith," he amends.

Buffy nods vigorously. "That's what I told her!" She stops and thinks for a minute, then adds, "How about we let Willow calm her down? I think she's the only one she won't just blow off."

Giles gives a slow nod. "We can start there certainly. I agree that Willow certain has more control of her." As Kennedy walks back in, the Watcher and Slayer nod fractionally to each other, silently agreeing to continue this discussion later.

* * *

Kennedy's POV

After I grab my pack, I head back outside to my bike, fishing my keys out of my pocket as I go. Once there, I unlock the storage box and unwrap Tara's book and start to put them in the bag. I stop as I remember the picture.

Opening the top book, I take that picture out and look at it again, the same feeling of sadness and uncertainty filters through me, though, strangely, not as badly this time. This time, I can see the differences between the Willow in the picture and my Willow.

Different hair, of course, but different eyes, too. The same green, but the eyes of the woman in the picture aren't haunted by a lover dying in her arms, of how close she came to ending the world. My girl's are, as well as the strength she found to keep going with that having happened. I run my fingers down the side of the picture, touching what would be her cheek. This Willow only has nightmares about frogs, not about the people she killed.

Shaking my head, I start to slip the picture back in the book, but I hesitate. I realize, after a few seconds, that I'm not quite ready to show this. I will be and soon, I know. Just not yet. Decisively, I tuck the picture carefully into the corner of the storage bin, not wanting it to be damaged or bent. I'll give it to Willow soon.

Stuffing the three books into the backpack, I slam the lid on the box and lock it, pocketing the keys as I head back into the house. Walking back into the library, I catch the looks both Buffy and Giles shoot my way and I know I've been the topic of discussion while I was gone. A soft growl escapes my throat as my anger rekindles. Buffy probably told him I was all out of control.

I pull the books from the bag as I walk up and thrust them toward Giles. "We found these when we searched. They all look like they were Tara's."

Giles takes the books and begins flipping through them. "Tara's."

I just nod. "That's what Buffy said, right?" I glance at my counterpart. She nods and I return my attention to our Watcher. "Anyway, they all have her initials in them," I point out.

"So it would appear--and no idea how he got them?" He looked at both of us, his face a mixture of curiosity, concentration and anger.

I can't help it. I glance, well, glare really, at Buffy as I fidget. "No," I growl, the reluctantly expand my answer. "He wouldn't say and Buffy let him get away before I could persuade him to tell us."

"Hey!" Buffy snarls loudly. "I didn't let him do anything! I was keeping you from killing him, remember?" She scowls at me and I glare in return. "How is it my fault he can teleport?"

"Voices." Giles says, looking over his shoulder toward Willow. I follow his gaze and see my love looking our way and I can read her need to know what's going on on her face.

I reach out and grab the books again and look directly at Giles. "I need to give those to Willow. Can you look at'em later?"

He nods and releases them. "Yes, if she's willing to let me."

I nod my understanding, then pull the books to me, shifting them to one side of my body. Crossing the room, I stand in front of my girl, the books held furthest from her. Softly, I say her name. "Willow?"

"What is it, Sweetie?"

Suddenly, I can't look look at her, at her beautiful eyes. No matter what the reason, I can't stand lying to her and now my shoes are terribly interesting. "I-I'm afraid I told you a little fib earlier."

"What about?"

Boy, my shoes are interesting. I never knew they could be so attention grabbing. Okay, I was stalling! I sighed and answered her. "I wasn't getting medicine for Giles. Buffy and I went back to the book store." I admit in a rush.

"Why?" she asks and I can hear the undercurrents in her voice

Finally, I manage to drag my eyes back up to look Willow in the eyes. What I see there causes me to want to find the nearest demon and pick a fight. Not cause I still need to kill something. I do, but this time, it's so he can beat the shit out of me, cause this is gonna hurt her and I'd rather hurt myself instead. I take a deep breath and ask, "Do you know Ethan Rayne?"

She gives me a kind of puzzled look. "Ethan--yeah." The comprehension covers her face, immediately followed buy distress and maybe even a little fear. "So he-the book? It was him?"

I nod, slowly and sadly, the pain in her eyes causing me to look away again. "We went to check on why they had Tara's books." I glance back over my shoulder where Giles and Buffy are still talking quietly, while watching us as well. "Giles says there shouldn't be anything available from Sunnydale, so..." I stop talking about that, because I know she knows that and it's just not the important.

"Buffy knew him, I didn't," I add softly, though I'm not sure she's listening anymore. I feel a fresh surge of anger and self loathing go through me.

"Books," she says faintly. "You said books--you found-"

She stops speaking and I can feel her eyes on me, begging for answers. Since I only have a few, I keep my eyes firmly on the tabletop, still unable to look into her eyes. Slowly, I bring the books around my body and show them to her.

"Kennedy?" She says my name so softly, even with Slayer hearing, I barely catch it, but it does cause me to finally look at her.

"I found these there too," I whisper, somewhat unnecessarily. God! It's all I can do to stand here, trapped by the agreement we made earlier, but feeling heartbroken and helpless by her tears. The trembling lip, the lost look. All I want right now is to hold her, to tell her it'll be okay, but I promised, so I stay where I am, letting my impotence rip my guts out.

I lay the books on the table, near enough to her that she can get to them if she wants. She stares at them for a moment, making no move toward them, then her eyes find mine and I have to fight down another urge to rush to her and hold her. I promised, damn it, I promised and I'm not gonna break it, no matter how much it hurts me. No matter how much I want to go find this Ethan guy and rip his heart out and show it to him as he dies.

The anger has started to rekindle, along with the desire to kill when it gets stopped and fades completely in the sight of tear filled emeralds. God, she looks so lost! I feel my own eyes begin to fill and fight it.

"How-?-How did he-why does- he-I don't understand?" Her anguished questions tumble form her lips.

I feel the first tear tumble from my eye, followed swiftly by another, then the first from the other eye. I can hear the quaver in my voice as I answer my love's questions. "I don't know why, but he said a demon wanted you to have them."

An almost imperceptible shudder ripples through my Willow as she digests this news and her eyes suddenly change as she looks at me. I watch as she wipes at the tears staining her cheeks and stands, starting towards me, her expression one I've seen every time I've needed comfort. God, this is why I love her so much! That piece of shit basically ripped her heart out, just because he could, and she's worried about me being upset.

I can't take it any more, I just can't. I'll do anything she wants me to to make up for it, later, but for now, I let my eyes drop as I say, "Will, I know we said no touching for today, but how about just no sex?"

I take a deep breath and continue. "I can't stand seeing you like this and not hold you," I admit. Even I can hear the anguished, almost pleading tone in my voice. I look up finally and capture her eyes with my own. "Please?"

She moves a little more, until she's directly in front of me, her tears falling faster. She gives a tiny nod and steps into my arms and I close them around her tightly as she lays her head on my shoulder.

"I don't understand-I don't," she says in a small, tortured voice. "why would-"

Her words stop as I picked her up and sit down with my love in my lap. She immediately buries her face in my neck and I feel her tears on my skin. I also feel Buffy's and Giles' eyes on us, but I ignore them. I kiss her temple and tell her, "Don't know. Like I said, he said demon, but he got away before I could ask him anything else."

I can feel eyes on us, but I ignore them. Will needs me and that's all that matters right now. Even finding and eviscerating that asshole can wait as I murmur sort reassurances into my lover's ear. I stroke her hair, lightly rub her back and shoulders, occasionally press a kiss into her hair. I try everything I can think of the console and calm her.

Her broken voice floats up, filled with her pain. "I don't get it-it doesn't-" Then she falls silent again.

Giles' soft voice behind me almost scares me. I'd forgotten he and Buffy were there. "I may know a way to find Ethan, but Buffy and I will handle it--You should take her home, Kennedy."

I turn my head and give Giles my very best 'Don't fuck with me' look. "I wanna be there when you talk to him," I inform him, my voice harsh in my own ears.

If he's offended by my tone or demand, he shows no sign, just quietly assures me, "I'll be sure if it."

I feel Willow's head leave my shoulder. Her voice has the tiniest quaver as she declares, "Me too-I want to talk to him."

I turn and look into her emerald eyes, worry tugging at my mind. "You sure, Red?" My arms tighten ever so slightly around her.

I feel her taking a deep breath and she steels her expression to an almost resolve face. Wiping at her eyes, she tells me, "Yeah-sure."

I watch her eyes for a moment, then gently kiss her temple. "Okay."

I feel her arms tightening around me. "Okay," she whispers. She works on her breathing for a minute, like she can't get it to work right. "I need some air" She turns her head slightly, just enough to look at me. "Okay?"

I keep rubbing her back and shoulders, hoping it'll help with her breathing, at least a little. "Hey, you wanna go home?" I give her a little smile as I think of something that might help with the upset-ness. "Or maybe get some mochas?"

"Mochas?" Her shoulders relax slightly at the word and she perks up a little. "Yeah, mochas and then home- okay?"

I have to smile at her hopeful, brighter tone, just a little. "Yeah. That works." I decide to push my luck. "Maybe lunch?"

She gives me a half smile and, even though I can tell it's forced, my own mood improves, just a little, cause I can see she's trying to get me to not worry so much. I'll still worry and she knows that, but if she's thinking of ways to me to get me to stop, then she's not as upset as she was and that's good.

Nibbling her lip a little, my Willow asks me, "Will you fix me sandwiches without the crust?"

I have to smile, both at the request and the little girl's voice it was made in. To my own surprise, given that my mood is still pretty much split between worry for my girl and an intense desire to hunt down a certain asshole and spend a couple days killing him, I find that my smile is genuine.

I can feel her body relax a little more as I laughingly tell her, "I'll fix you Maine lobster if that's what you want!"

"No," she answers me, still biting her lip. I suppress the groan that threatens and I know I'm calming even more. "Just - no crusts."

I nod, the smile on my face becoming softer. Then I have to suppress another moan as she continues to worry her lower lip. "And stop that, before I forget my promise!"

"Stop what?" She asks, looking into my eyes, a small teasing smile on her lips. Okay, when did she figure out how crazy the lip thing makes me?

"You know what." I complain. Okay, I gotta play a little in return. I kill a smile as an idea comes to me. Giving my girl my best smoldering, passionate, maybe even flirty look, I lean in, acting like I'm going to kiss her like I would when we're seriously making out. The kind that ends with us both naked and sweaty, then I smirk a little and lay a pecking kiss on the tip of her nose. "See?" I ask, smiling at my love. "Still keeping our deal."

I hear Giles clear his throat, which naturally draws my attention from Willow. Looking at both him and Buffy, I can see that, despite Buffy's smile, they both seem a little... embarrassed maybe, by us. Hey, deal with it. I love her, she needs me. Pretty much that simple.

"For now."

I hear Will as I turn my head back, just in time to see her smile at me. I glance back at our friends, then my girl. "Wanna go now?"

"Yeah-" She nods and I lift her off my lap and set her on her feet, then stand myself. I watch my girl's face and catch it when she looks back and forth from Giles to Buffy. "Hey, I'm okay--so no worry faces put'em away!"

"Sure Will-all gone see?" I hear Buffy say and turn my head in time to catch her smile at Will. It's a forced smile, I can tell. Well, one forced smile deserves another and I make one appear on my face and share it between Giles and Buffy, but I address our Watcher. "You want us back later or will tomorrow do?" I ask him, taking Willow's hand at the same time. I try to make it clear from my tone, if the world's not ending, tonight is out.

"Tomorrow is fine-" he agrees.

I give him one quick, sharp nod. "Cool." Swiveling my head once more, I look into eyes that are as dark a green I've ever seen them and suddenly, I'm glad Giles just gave us the rest of the day off. It'll make all this easier to deal with if it's just my Red and me. "Ready, babe?" I try desperately to inject some cheer in my voice and not all of it's forced. I get to spend lots of time with my girl, so where's the bad, right? Looking at the books I brought back to her answers that flippant question.

"Ready-"

Giving her a little smile, I wave for her to go ahead of me, then fall in behind her. As we step outside, I realize we left Tara's books and I stop. Touching her on her shoulder, I say, "I forgot my pack. Meet you at the bike?"

"Okay." Willow looks back at me. "Going back for the books huh?"

"They're yours, not Giles. Besides, he said he could look them over later." I try to explain my reasoning, but the look she's giving me makes me rethink. "Want to leave them?"

She looks into my eyes and hesitates for a second. "For now okay?"

I don't really understand why, but it's her decision and I can always come back for them later if she changes her mind. "If you're sure," I tell her.

"Just for now--" She responds, sounding less than sure.

I look into her eyes for a second and internally shrug. If it's what she wants, then fine. "Okay, let me tell Giles, so he doesn't call later."

"Okay-"

I turn and head back into the house, walking straight into the den, glancing at Will's books as I enter. Instantly, I'm furious again as my thoughts once more turn to the piece of shit deliberately hurting my girl. Buffy and Giles are still where we left them and the way they are suddenly quiet tells me that I'm still the topic of conversation. [Well, excuse the fuck outta me for wanting to protect my girlfriend!] I think savagely.

"Will said we'll get her books later, so look at'em if you need to." I tell Giles, ignoring my sister Slayer for the moment. Glancing at the books again, I bare my teeth and feel my eyes burn with hatred as I look at my Watcher again. "Find that bastard, then find me, understand?" I snarl at him. I immediately turn and start to leave.

"Kennedy."

Giles says my name harshly, but I stop and spit him with a molten stare and he finishes with a somewhat weak, "I'll... I'll find him."

I nod sharply, not trusting myself to not say something I'll regret and leave. Stopping just inside the front door, I work on getting the anger off my face. Will has enough to worry about right now without adding 'Is Kennedy going to go postal on me?' to the mix. Taking a deep breath, I open the door when I'm sure I at least look calm and rejoin my girl.

Taking her hand, I smile a little at her, fighting to keep it from looking forced, and lead the way back to the bike. Handing Will her helmet, I put my own on, start the engine and we're off, speeding away, I hope, from a lot of pain.

Three streets later, I realize we never decided where we were gonna go. Knowing that shouting over the wind and engine sounds is pointless, I fight to clear my mind and set things up so I can send my thoughts to Willow. After a moment of hard concentration, though not as hard as it would have been 10 minutes ago. The feeling of my girl's arms around me, her body pressed to mine as we ride has calmed me a lot. [How about lunch and mochas, then home?]

[Love mochas-so sounds like at plan.]

I have to smile as her answer appears in my head. I think she loves me more than mochas. Chuckling to myself, I ask her, [Anywhere special you want to eat, Red?]

I feel her arms tighten around me as I "hear" her answer. [You pick.]

I try to interject a teasing note as I smile and send, [I picked last time, Will. Your turn.]

Okay, what was that? As I received Will's answer, [Ah--there's that little place on 5th-with pizza-you want pizza?-They have mochas too,] I also get the image of us, in bed with me doing all sorts of fun things to her.

I give my head a little shake and turn toward the place she mentioned rather than answer with words. Suddenly, all I can think of is how much I want to kiss her. Growling softly at my own overactive libido, I settle for using my left hand to caress one of hers at my waist.

Roughly ten minutes and a couple dozen turns and back streets later, we're pulling into the parking lot of the requested restaurant and I stop my bike in the first empty slot I see. As soon as the engines off and the forks are locked, I yank my helmet off and turn my head enough to see my girl.

By that time, though, she's already standing beside me and taking her own helmet off, so I climb off, taking both helmets and locking them in the rear storage bin. Turning back to Willow, I hold out my hand and she slips hers into mine and in we go.

Once inside, I see they have the 'Wait to be Seated' sign up. so I make eye contact with a waitress and she nods. Turning back to my girl with a smile, I'm struck again how incredibly beautiful she is, even when she's had as stressful a day as this one's been so far. My smile becoming a little bigger and brighter, I shift my grip in our joined hands so that our fingers interlace and marvel again that she's with me. It seems like such a dream sometimes.

"What are you up to?"

Huh? Did she... She asked a me question. "Me? Nothing," I answer honestly. I wasn't up to anything, just lost in my thoughts is all.

"That smile-it means something," she says, her expression one of mock sternness. Then she bumps her shoulder into mine. "Confess."

"Nothing to confess, not this time," I instantly tell her. I smile again, a soft one, hopefully not too lovesick. That's embarrassed her in the past. "Just enjoying myself, looking at the most beautiful woman in the world and all." Lovesick be damned I think as I let my smile get bigger. Raising out linked hands to my lips, I kiss the back of her hand softly.

I almost giggle as, on cue, my Red blushes at my comment. She leans in, like she's gonna kiss me and I rejoice internally, but then, she stops and I almost groan in frustration. "Almost forgot." She sighs with a sad little pout. I have to suppress another groan, cause, like I told her on our first date, she's so sexy when she pouts!

Okay, that's so not fair when she pouts, cause I just wanna kiss her so bad and I can't right now. On the other hand, at Giles' place, we said that comfort snuggles and kisses were okay. Maybe she'll let one sneak by? Gotta try! "Hey," I protest as she moves back. "We said no sexy stuff. Comfort is okay." I put on my very best 'I'm miserable' pout. "Needing some comfort here!"

Oh, the look she gives me! I know I've won, that I'll get my kiss, then her words stop the elation. "That's so not true--you're trying to cheat!" Her tone is teasing and her smile is a little... I don't know... regretful, maybe? Like she wants to but we agreed for the day to not. Oh, well. I can wait. I think.

Suddenly, an image of us tomorrow pops in my head, one of neither of us wanting to get more than three feet from the other one, not even getting out of bed for half the day. The image makes me feel almost giddy with anticipation and I just have to giggle, cause it feels so good to want that. Smiling at my gorgeous witch, I answer her accusation. "Caught me," I admit. Then my smile turns teasing as well. "Can't blame a girl for trying, can you?"

Willow shakes her head and smiles at me. A real, genuine smile and I feel my heart soar. "No. It was a good try too."

I smile again, this time in thanks and kiss her hand again, just as a girl appears and leads us over to a kind of dark corner booth. Now, most times, this is the kind place I'd like to sit and eat with my girl, but with the no touching or kissing thing, it's gonna make things so much harder!

My baby sits down and I start to, but a different urge registers and I look around for a second before spotting what I want. Turning back to my love, I ask, "Order, would you, sweetie? Need to... Ah..." She looks a little weird, I guess because I haven't sit down yet, so I toss my head a little toward the restroom sign, smiling as I turn and walk that way.

"Sure--everything on it?"

I stop and look back over my shoulder. I smile again, a gentle, reassuring one. "Sure. Whatever you want." I give her a little nod and resume my course. Once in the ladies, I take care of business, then go to a sink and wash my hands. I splash some cold water on my face, hoping it'll be at least a little like a cold shower for now. It does work, at least, a tiny bit. Now maybe I can last 'til we get home and I can take the real thing. I love her so much and I've gotten very used to being able to show that, pretty much whenever I wanted and, for today, I can't. God! Now I know what an addict going through withdrawal feels like!

Giving my head a small shake, I dry my hands and face and return to my love. "Everything good, baby?" I ask her as I slide into the booth across from her. I'd rather sit beside her, but, with the deal and the way my body is already making demands, it'll be better if we have this little distance.

"All ordered," she responds, the faintest trace of a pout evident. "You okay?"

"No problems, just you know-nature," I answer, nodding, then a thought wanders through my mind as she looks dubious and I grin wickedly at her. "Of course, you could always check things for me." I flick a glance down. "Just to make sure?" Come on, come. You know you wanna! I'll hold still, I promise! I smile inwardly at that idea and amend it. Well, at the beginning I'll hold still!

Willow just rolls her eyes and shakes her head with what seems to be a regretful smile.

Damn, damn, damn! I hold up my hands in kind of a 'backing off' gesture and grin. "I know! Tomorrow!"

My love gives me a rueful look. "You're not gonna make this whole no kissing you thing easy, are you?"

"I can be quiet-" I tell her, feeling my grin transform into a bit of a smirk.

Instantly, Willow's head shakes the tiniest bit and she pouts. "No-I-quiet is bad-"

I force myself to have the most neutral expression I can. "I'll stop teasing." I can't hold it and I just have to smirk "Well, 'til I forget I need to wait for a while!"

My girl gives me a quick little nod. "That's fair." A twinkling smile appears. "Cause I might forget too!"

I feel the need to be touching her, so I smile gently at her and slide my hand across the table to her, palm up. All I've ever wanted, since day one, was to make her happy and if she still wants to go through with this hands off for a day deal, then I'll do it. For her.

She reaches out and takes my hand, our fingers automatically lacing together, and I nod slowly toward our joined hands and gently squeeze hers a little. "This is enough-for now."

"Yeah," she replies, her own grip tightening a bit.

We sit far a few minutes and I try desperately to think of something to talk about that doesn't have to do with our bet or just how much I want to say the hell with the pizza and take her home so I can make love to her all night.

The grumbly bit of my subconscious obliges and kicks up an image of the asshole who hurt my girl. Okay, not really what I wanted to talk to Willow about, but if I'm gonna be able to find him and pay him back for every last tear, I need to know more about him. "So, what's with this Ethan guy?"

She gives a little shrug. "He and Giles were buddies at University-they were into the Magicks. A little too deep according Giles, so he kinda stopped being friends."

Okay, now I'm confused. I mean, I know he disappeared on me, but I wasn't thinking he actually knows what he's doing with the hocus pocus. "So, he's a witch?" I ask Will, not sure what I hope the answer is. If he is, it just makes getting to him a little harder, that's all.

She shakes her head a little. "No-but he can summon things--and he's tied to Demons-Some kind of you scratch my back I'll scratch yours thing."

"That explains things," I say softly, almost to myself as I understand. He's not even as powerful as Amy, so I can still make him pay up close and personal, without having to put a crossbow bolt in him first. As memories of what my Will has gone through since finding that first damned book go through my mind, I find I'm really looking forward to... explaining to him exactly what he did wrong. A bolt of savage longing goes through me, but I'm in control enough to suppress it. I really don't want Will to know what I'm thinking right now. It would only upset her.

"Hey-what's that look?"

I'm startled out of my dark thoughts by her question and I try to stall. "What look?"

Oh, man! She's got her worried face on! "The one on your face just now."

Geez, I so wanted to avoid this part of the conversation, so I try again to stall and downplay things. "Nothing."

She tries to catch my eyes, but I don't let her. If I can see her eyes, I'll have to tell the truth. "It's all grrrrrrrr-or something-" Okay, if I don't answer, it's not a lie, right? "Kennedy?"

I concentrate hard and manage to completely clear my face, just having the most neutral expression I can manage. Looking toward her, I avoid looking into her eyes by focusing on a wall decoration over her shoulder. Pasting a truly bland smile on, I tell her, "Really. It's nothing!"

"Baby? You sure?" She tries again to catch my eyes and, dammit! This time she succeeds. "Cause it looked like something-a big something." Her eyes plead with me to just be honest. That she already knows what I thinking.

I take a deep breath and make a sour face, finally admitting out loud, "Okay, I just owe him a few bruises, that's all."

She reaches across the table and cups my face and I lean into the touch, needing the feel of her skin on mine. "Sweetie, I'm okay-and he's not worth-forget him," she urges me and I want to do as she asks, I really do. I have to look away for a few seconds, but I return my gaze to her as I feel her thumb caresses my cheek. "Let's just worry about the why-okay?"

Again, I want to do what she wants me to, but, again, I resist, cause what she's asking goes against my mind's one fundamental, unbreakable law. No one hurts my Willow and lives to gloat about it. "I can't. He hurt you and I can't let that happen. Not ever!"

"But, I'm all better now!" She protests, once more trying to calm me down and make me understand that she really wants me to let it go. "Promise-and I have things-of-of Tara's that I wouldn't have. So really-it was okay."

I feel my eyes fill with tears of confusion and rage as the two most basic parts of my life now collide and fight. I have to protect my Willow. It's the whole reason I'm here. Being a Slayer isn't about protecting the world, not for me. It's about making sure she's safe. If the rest of the world stays safe as well, then hey, win-win. Fighting that personal truth right now, though, is my need to make her happy, to do anything she asks me to.

"Okay?"

I squeeze my eyes closed and feel a tear start to roll down my cheek as my head starts to hurt from the internal argument, then almost jump as I feel her lips touch mine softly in a chaste kiss. "Shhhh-don't okay?" She whispers, her voice sounding a little rough.

I lean forward enough to kiss her, exactly the same way, but I just hold us together, trying to show her how much I love her. I pull back and open my eyes, feeling more tears fall. Her green eyes, dark with her emotions, look back at me as I answer her question in a defeated whisper. "It's not okay!" I stress, then relent. "But, I'll do anything you want me too, Red," I promise, dragging one hand impatiently across my eyes.

"I wanna just have lunch and forget." She looks at me with pleading, watery eyes and I feel my anger finally lose it's grip and start to fade. "Okay?"

I turn my head, just enough to kiss Will's palm as I feel a surge of love for her, along with a feeling of wonder that she can so easily calm me when she wants to. "Okay." I look into her eyes, willingly losing myself in them for the zillionth time since the first time I saw her. "I love you, Red!" I quietly vow.

"I love you," she responds with a little smile that quickly vanishes. "But I don't-like-don't call me that okay?"

Huh? Call her- I don't- "Call you what?" I know my face and voice is full of confusion, cause I have no idea what she's talking about. What did I call her?

"Red."

Not call her Red? But... But she's never said anything before. Hell, she seemed to like it, so why? - I'm sure my face plainly shows my confusion, cause that's exactly how I feel. A small part of my mind marvels at the fact that, one second I'm almost homicidal, then, with one small thing she asks me, I'm simply, utterly confused, but mostly calm. I can feel my eyebrows scrunch down as I try to make sense of what she's asking and why. "Why not? I've been calling you that since I met you."

"Yeah," she concedes. "But-Faith-she and-it reminds me-and I don't-" She shakes her head and gives me a hopeful look. "Just... okay?"

A growl echoes through my mind as I think of the so-called 'Dark Slayer'. Stupid bitch is more like it. "Right. Faith." I growl out, suddenly reminded that I need to square a few things with her, too. Since I really don't wanna be thought of at the same time as clueless idiot, this is an easy request to wrap my mind around. I shake my head, a little violently, trying to dispel that thought. "I might slip up for a day or too, but I'll stop. I promise!"

"Thanks," she tells me with a smile.

I feel a scowl crease my face as I think of Faith again. "Still owe her an ass kicking for scaring me and pulling me away from you."

Willow smiles at me and my mood can't help but lighten a bit. "And I still get to watch!"

I can't help myself. I know she said no, but the image of Faith is completely replaced by one of Will in a tight sweater and small pleated skirt, her gorgeous legs exposed. I grin at my girl and it instantly turns to a leer as that image is superimposed over the real Willow sitting across the table from me. "Change your mind about the cheerleader's outfit?"

"No-no cheerleader outfit." She wrinkles her nose up in the cutest way, then gives me a little smile. "Sorry sweetie."

I force a pout onto my face, but my heart just isn't in it. I give the idea one last try. "But, baby, I'd be all motivated to win quickly and take you home to celebrate! You sure?" I ask her, my voice teasing. Well, mostly. I make my eyebrows wiggle, letting her know exactly what that celebrating would entail.

She makes a little face. "We can't celebrate remember?"

I start to answer her, but the waitress picks that moment to bring our food and drinks, so I wait for her to finish. "Anything else?" She asks and we both shake our heads. She finishes up and silently leaves.

As she leaves, I resume our conversation. "Not tonight, no," I agree, leaning forward with my best seductive smile. "But, tomorrow?" My voice raises a little at the end, in offer and hope. I have to lick my lips, because, even with the smell of the pizza all around us, the only thing I can taste right is her. Memories of kissing and licking her skin, worshipping her body. I suppress a shudder of desire and longing, since we can't do anything about it yet. Not until tomorrow morning, anyway! That thought makes me smile even bigger.

"No," Willow tells me again, a little more firmly this time. "And put that smile away-no cheerleader outfits!" She makes the cutest little 'icky' face and cringes a little. I start to ask what's causing that, when she finishes what she was saying. "Brings back bad Cordy visions. High school-ugh!"

I finally just hold up both hands to her, laughing as I give up the idea and Willow smiles at me, obviously happy she won this little debate. My laughter becoming a smile, I serve us both a slice of pizza, covering mine in parmesan cheese before taking a bite, noticing my girl's already eating.

Taking a bite of my own food, I start thinking about what she said about me not calling her "Red" anymore. I mean, I totally get it and I really don't have a problem with her wanting me to stop, but now, I need another nickname to call her. I eat absently as I think, various things running through my head, but a cut down version of her middle name has definite possibilities. Well, maybe. I give a little nod and smile as I look at Will, trying to imagine calling her Dani. Hmmm. Maybe not. She's just not really a Dani.

"What?" Her voice brings me back from my thoughts and I look directly at her. "And don't even try that nothing excuse again!" She warns me.

I just grin and shake my head. "Wasn't gonna. Just trying to think of something else to call you, since Red is out."

"There's Willow." She points out, her tone and manner teasing.

I just grin and shake my head again. "Gotta share that with everyone." I explain that one away, then let my grin become a smirk as I reveal my first choice. "I could call you Dani, but that really doesn't work for me."

"Dani?" She squeaks in surprise. "How'd you know my middle-" She stops speaking and I just give her a wicked smile. "Who told you?" I raise an eyebrow and keep smiling. This is fun! "Xander?" I just blithely shake my head, nope, wasn't him. "Buffy-it was Buffy wasn't it?"

"Nope!" She looks like she's expecting me to say something else, but I'm having way too much fun watching her go through everyone trying to figure out my informant to say anything else. Besides, she's running out of people, she'll get it in a minute.

"Who?" She demands and I laugh lightly. "It was Dawnie-she's gonna-" I have to laugh again, since I know she's threatened each one in her head, though I'm not sure why. I like the sound of Willow Danielle and I've always liked the name Dani. I'm just not sure it suits her as a nickname, that's all.

"It's not funny!" She pouts and I know it's time to give it up.

"Dawnie." I confirm with a smile. "I asked, she told."

Will's face clouds up a little and I start to worry that's she's really mad about this. "She's so in trouble and so are you-"

I shrug and feel my smile slip a bit. "Why?" I ask in genuine confusion.

Her words clear the mystery up a little, though not entirely. "Cause you know and I don't know yours and that's not fair," she informs me with a major pout.

Now normally, that kind of pout that makes me have to decide between comforting her and kissing her silly. This time, though, I just smile gently and ask her, "Did you ever ask?"

Her face goes blank as my question registers, then the babble begins. God, she's cute when she babbles! "Well-I was-then well the First-and the big hole-and no-" I start to laugh, but then she pouts again, and this time, I can tell it's real, so I reach across the table and take her hand. "I'm a bad girlfriend," she laments

I immediately shake my head hard. "No! Just a lot competing for your big brain's attention, that's all."

She gives me a glare that would probably back down a vampire. "Now you're teasing me," she accuses me.

I just return her glare with the most open and honest look I can muster, one that just radiates love and trust. "Nope." I say, making sure I don't break eye contact. "Just telling the truth."

She sits there for a moment, seeming to weigh my words, then she pouts again, but it's her playful pout, so I relax a little. "So are you gonna tell me what it is?"

I smile and deliberately misconstrue her question. We can get to my full name later. "I got curious about a bunch of things and asked Dawn. She filled me in."

Her worried face appears. "What else did she tell you?"

I grimace a little. "I don't want to get her into any more trouble here."

"She's already in trouble. The most you can do is save yourself Slayer!" She assures me, giving me a truly evil look. Well, as evil as she can manage, cause, well, my Willow really doesn't have any evil bits in her anymore.

Might as well come clean, I guess, so I smile and shrug. "She told me your birthday, your favorite colors, the horse thing. Couple other things, but those are the biggies."

My love hides her face, but I can tell from the crimson creeping up her neck and around her fingers, she's really embarrassed about something Dawn said to me. "The horse thing!?" Her muffled voice tells me what the bad thing is.

"Just that you don't like them," I say, trying to mitigate the damage.

"Really?" She asks, her eyes peeking out between her fingers. I nod and her hands drop away as she looks at me. "Oh-okay."

I smile an apology to her, trying to look properly contrite. "I didn't ask for details."

She smiles in return, promising, "I'll tell one day-if you want to know." She pauses for a few seconds, then quietly adds, "There's two really."

"I want to know everything about you." I assure her, looking into her eyes. Then I lower my own to looks at the tabletop, trying to show how sorry I am that I didn't just ask her about things. "I'm sorry I didn't ask you about that stuff." And I am. I should have asked her directly instead of... Wait. Two? "Two reasons for not liking horses?" I ask, confusion running through my tone.

She nods a little. "Yes and it's okay that you asked Dawn." She looks into my eyes as she continues. "I want to know things about you too-and what's that middle name?" My girl gives me a smirk, a playful one. "Thought you had me all distracted didn't you?" I have to grin at her persistence and she returns it with a moderately playful glare "Tell me--I have a right to know."

I just have to giggle at her tone and attitude, she is right, I have to admit. "You so do." I school my expression to a complete seriousness, even though a smile keeps threatening to break out any second.

Will suddenly looks worried and I know I have her. She fell for it! I smile internally and it almost makes it to the surface. "Serious face?" She asks, a little hesitantly.

"Maria," I say, simply. "Kennedy Maria Sanchez." I smile at her as I say my full name, hoping she sees that I was just playing.

She smiles in return and I bite back a giggle, because it's a little goofy. "Maria--I like Maria."

"Better?" I smile again, hoping the answer is yes.

She nods and I sigh in relief. "Yeah." She keeps her smile for a second, then it dims as she slowly tells me, "I had a birthday party with a pony when I was little."

"Bad?" I ask, my voice pitched low and full of concern. If I could, I'd go back and fix whatever happened, but I can't. All I can do is make sure that nothing ever hurts her again.

Before I can start thinking about the couple of failures in that vow, she starts telling me the pony story. "Well, when I was five..." I pick up a slice of pizza while she talks and eat, then I tell her one of my 'growing up' stories as she eats and soon, the stories and the pizza are gone as we learn more about each other.

About the time we finish the last of the pizza, the waitress comes by and we assure her that it was great and I order two mochas. We sit in companionable silence until they arrive, then I take a sip of mine and smile at my girl. "So," I say, pulling the conversation back to the topic of her new nickname. "Anyway, I can't call you Dani." She frowns and shakes her head hard at that choice. I grin. "Cause first, doesn't really fit for me, but most important you don't want me to."

Willow smirks as she leans toward me to whisper in my ear, "You could always call me lover." She pulls back and the most interesting blush has covered her face. I grin at her and feel the faintest blush creep up my own cheeks. Only she can do this to me. Make me blush, I mean. She seems to reconsider her name suggestion, though, as she says, "Not a good idea."

"You really want me to do that in public?" I ask, pointing out another reason that one might not be a good idea

She shakes her head. "Forget I mentioned it!"

As I extend my hand so I can hold hers, the memory of the night we first made love pops in my head. Mostly, the talk we had just before, her fears that she would lose control and turn evil if she let herself go. I feel her hand slip into mine, our fingers lacing automatically as I realize I have the winner now.

I smile softly at my lover. "A question for you. Am I still your kite string?"

She seems lost in thought for a few seconds, probably remembering the same thing I just did. She smiles, then takes a sip of her drink and smiles again as she assures me, "My kite string-always."

I take another small sip of my mocha. "So you're my kite, right?"

"Yes,"she answers simply with a smile, taking another sip of her mocha.

I set my drink to one side, then lean over the table to lightly trace the back of my curled fingers down and alabaster cheek. I smile softly and almost whisper, "My Milano."

My girl smiles and leans into my touch and smiles. "Milano?" She asks, her tone questioning.

I have to chuckle a little, since her tone says she has no idea what I'm talking about. Then I remember the various times I dug through the snack cabinet at the Summer's house during the First battle and grin. "Not the cookies, silly! It means kite in Spanish."

She smiles. "I like-" She says, then she takes the hand still on her cheek and kisses it

I raise our joined hands and kiss the back of hers, feeling an upswelling of love for her. It always amazes me, just when I think that's it, I can't possibly love her any more, the old 'record' gets shattered and I love her all the more.

I watch her as these thoughts go through my mind and grin as she tries to take another sip of her mocha, only to find it empty. I noticed she'd already finished it off and wanted to see if she had realized it yet. A little bit of laughter escapes when she pouts, so to make up for it, I slide my cup across to her. "Want another?"

She smiles brightly at me and picks the cup up. "You're the best girlfriend ever!' She takes a long drink.

I chuckle. "Been telling you that for months!" I tell her with a teasing smile.

She just shakes her head and smiles. "Knew I heard it somewhere," she teases back.

I signal the waitress and, when she gets to us, I start to hand her a credit card, but I'm looking at Will. I give her another teasing smile instead of the 'You wait 'til I get you home' smile I normally would. Damned bet!

I watch as she puts my now empty cup down, then she asks, "Another first?"

I retract the card and tell the waitress, "Two more, please." Willow smiles as she leaves, but it fades as I remind her, "That'll be the three mocha limit, sweetie."

She pouts playfully, then waits for a moment, but I'm not gonna give in, not on this one. I learned the hard way about my Willow and the results of her mocha addiction. Of course, I also count that night as one of my best memories, but God, I was tired the next day!

"Fine!" she grouses, her lip stuck out and all pouty.

I fight down the suddenly almost overwhelming urge to lean across the table and kiss that pout away. "You wanna bounce of the walls tonight? Especially since we can't really burn that energy off?"

She makes a face. "Grumble-Forgot--who's dumb idea was that anyway?"

I see the direction of her thoughts and that's not where I want them, so I wink at her and tell her, "Buffy's."

"Buffy?" She looks at me, confused.

I nod. "She can take the blame." I fix my most serious look on my face. "It's a leader's job, after all!"

She grins and I'm glad. "Right-it's all her fault!" She suddenly almost bounces in her seat. "Oh-oh -we could blame Faith, too!"

I have to smirk at that. There's a lot of things I blame Faith for, so why not this one too! "That works! Second in charge and all."

Her grin fades completely. "Or I could just do the responsible thing and take the blame myself--I was a stupid head."

I immediately give her hand a squeeze. "Stop that!" When I promised to not let anyone hurt her, that included the both of us.

"But I said--and it was-grrrrrrrrrrr!"

I shake my head, then capture her eyes. "No. I mean the names. We decided to do this, remember? Not just you." I try to drive my point home.

Our mochas are delivered and I start to get worried as she just stares at hers. She suddenly flicks her eyes back up to me. "We did, so can we just undecide it?"

As much as I want to agree and take her home and make love all night, I regretfully shake my head. "You were right. We are late to too many things and we need to stop. This was a good idea and, if it's hard, it just means we really, really love each other, right?"

"I guess but-" She stares into my eyes, like she's looking for something. "I need-" Then I realize what she's looking for. Me to give in about this. I want to, God, I want to! But, she was right about our lack of control. I absently hear her concede. "Okay."

I make my own decision and smile. "If you want to try again in a day or two, I can do that, but I just wanted you to stop with the blame.

She gives her head a little shakes. "No-I can do it if you can. I can be-not touchy or snuggly--and no smoochies."

Her words, the ones about no snuggles or smoochies echo in my head and I think about later. "Not sure I can." I have to admit, then explain the source of my worry. "Especially when we go to bed tonight."

Willow pouts again, a real one. "This is hard!" She growls.

I suddenly smile as a thought occurs to me. We modified the agreement earlier for comfort snuggles, right? "Maybe we can modify it again. Make it a test of stopping. Cause it's the stopping that's hard." I pause, then admit in a low growling tone, "I want to kiss you so bad right now!"

She seems to think about my words, then says, "Stopping is the hard part, okay-modifying is good!" She smiles. "So, we'll work on the stopping- we can do that." She sighs, like she relieved, or something. If she wants me as bad as I want her, then that's exactly what it is. Finally, she picks up her new mocha and takes a big drink.

"Yep!" I enthuse, smiling confidently. Then I think about all the times my mind has just shut down while she was doing such wonderful things to me and I couldn't have stopped her if we were on fire. That thought makes me grin sheepishly and add. "I think."

We finish our drinks and I pay the bill. We decide to go home for ice cream, so I lead the way back out to the bike. Getting the helmets from the storage bin, I hand hers to her and ask, "Home now?"

"Home please," She agrees, then she leans in and kisses me slowly. She pulls back with a smile. "See? Stopping."

I take her into my arms and kiss her the same slow way, then pull back as well, smiling slightly. "Yep. We can stop."

"This is easy!"

I grin ruefully at her and remind her where we are. "Only because we're standing on a street corner."

Willow puts on her helmet with a smile, then stops and quietly says, "Maybe."

That quiet word sends shivers down my spine and I know, even with the new rules for our little game, tonight is gonna be a very long one, with lots of chances for rule breaking! I shrug internally as we climb on the bike. All part of living my life with my Willow and I wouldn't change a thing. Besides, I think with a shiver of anticipation. We'll make up for all this tomorrow and that'll make all this worth it! I smile in my helmet. God, I can't wait!

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