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See Chapter 1 for Ratings and Disclaimers
"Okay-" I manage as my body starts to get wobbly again. Tara's- the book is Tara's. She wrote the letters there when she was ten. I remember the story, all of it. I remember the day she told me about it. It was the first time we kissed, her lips soft against mine. The memories flood my mind and I can't stop them. I should, I know I should but I don't even try.
Kennedy's words slip through the thoughts, "Sweetie, you look like you've seen a ghost."
Goddess, how do I explain that I have? I can't, so I start to walk away-forgetting about my wobbly body and the spinny head. "I'm okay," I lie and I know she knows.
"Oh-shit. This was Tara's-wasn't it?" She looks at me and I see the worry in her eyes.
"We-we should-should go." She leaves the books and is at my side helping me stand. "Need some air."
She leads me outside and asks again softly, "Was it? Hers I mean?"
I fight to keep the tears away. Why am I such a baby? Always crying-not gonna cry this time I'm not. I try to convince myself of those words as I nod my answer, not trusting my voice.
I feel her arms around me-she holds me tightly. "Do you want me to get it? I know you've only got the one picture."
Damn-the tears start and I wrap my arms around the young Slayer for more support. My Slayer-I think, unsure of how to answer her. I want the book but I don't want to hurt her. Living in Tara's shadow it's so not fair. Her lips are at my ear telling me again and again that it'll be okay. I feel my body begin to shake as I cry. I don't know what to do-what to say-should I want it? Should I not?- Sometimes I feel like I'm cheating them both.
Suddenly I'm not standing I'm sitting on her lap. She still holds me-tries to consol me. I try to stop the crying but it seems the harder I try the more tears fall. I give up-I bury my face in her shoulder and let the flood continue. I feel her lips pressed against my head, "Hey-it's okay," she says trying to comfort me.
"It's not okay," I mumble back into her shoulder.
"I know you miss her."
"It's not okay," I repeat a little louder. Losing her, being without her-will never be okay. "It's not okay-it's not okay-it's not," the words gets louder and louder with each time.
"No-but it will be," she tries again.
"It'll never be okay," I say as I look into her eyes.
"Why?" She asks. "Tell me what I can do to make it better."
I try to get up off her lap-before the words in my head slip out. My heart screams-if you want it to be okay find away to bring her back to me. To make it quit hurting. I try harder to get away from her, "I need to not be here-" she struggle more. "Let me go," My voice is louder still. "Let go." I feel myself losing control. Finally I'm standing but not free she still has me by the arm. I push frantically at her hands-I gotta get away. "I need-" stop myself-just in time. I know the words would have been devastating if they had been spoken. I need her-I need her so badly.
"No!-" She stays strong. She'll never let me go- never leave me- she's told me that so many times and on some level I believe her. But here and now it seems so not true. "Do we need to not be here?" She asks. Her eyes search mine and I stop struggling. "Fine-We can leave right now-you and me."
I collapse back into her arms and her body-where I feel so safe. The sobs overtake me-they are uncontrollable. I feel her pick me up and sit back down with me in her arms, on her lap. She rocks me and doesn't say a word. My tears won't stop and I have surrendered to them. Hoping a good cry will help the feelings I have go away.
A few minutes later the feelings are the same and the tears haven't stopped. I finally get them to slow a little as she continues to hold me. My breathing is labored-as I gasp for air. I still struggle for control-my mind flooding with memories of Tara. Her blue eyes shining-looking deeply into my green. Her face-goddess why won't it leave. No-I don't want it to-but I should shouldn't I? I mean I'm with Kennedy now-I love her-I do love her. But-but Tara-why does this have to be so hard?-Why does it have to hurt so much?
"Want to go home baby?"
Kennedy-my Kennedy's voice-soft, full of love and understanding. Home, yes, take me home. I nod against her chest, my voice refusing to cooperate.
"Sorry-but-" she stops as I try to stay focused on her words. Why did she stop? "Do you want the book?"
Again I nod against her not meeting her eyes-afraid of the hurt I'll see there-the hurt my words will cause. I feel her lips on my forehead and then we are standing, her arms still around me supporting me. "Don't-don't want to go in." I manage to say to my girl. "I-I-can't."
"Don't have to. I'll get you in the car and go back for it."
Get me in the car?-No-too much time. I can wait here-right? "I'm-I'm okay here."
"You sure?" My Slayer asks.
I sniff and wipe at my tears. I probably look-well-I roll my eyes at my own thoughts-then nod. I notice for the first time that she is crying too. I press a kiss to her lips-my fault I think. "Hurry."
She returns the kiss-her lips gentle. I feel her love-her need to help me feel better. She helps me sit again cause I'm still a little spinny. Her lips touch my cheek now-more reassurance. "I will," she says softly.
She starts to walk away and I drop my eyes to the ground, then I feel her hand on my face, "Hey," she whispers. I raise my eyes to her without thinking and I see her gentle smile. "Do you know how much I love you?" I just nod cause I do-I just don't know why. Tears fall a little. She smiles reassuringly. "I'll be right back."
Then, she's gone and I'm alone-all alone-like always. Why do they always leave? My mind goes to the bad place again-what's wrong with me? What is it about me that makes everyone leave me? The tears flow anew.
No-I force the thoughts away. Kennedy is here-she hasn't gone anywhere and she won't. I know it-somewhere inside I know. She tells me that all the time-tells me she'll never leave me willingly. She loves me and I love her-and we're -we're gonna be together forever. She promised. I smile as I wipe away the tears and look toward the shop.
It starts again that little voice-the one that tries to cause pain and hurt-she'll leave wait and see-just like Oz and Tara-she will. No-I argue, no she won't. I see her come back out and I force a smile. See-I tell the voice-see, she's right here. Kennedy stands in front of me-without a word she smiles and hands me the book. When I see she bought both I smile-it makes me happy. I look at Tara's book in my hands and I give it back to her. She looks unsure, "Hold it for me okay?"
She nods holding it with the other, "Sure. Ready to go?"
I nod as I stand and she wraps an arm around me. She steers me toward the car and it seems like it's miles away. The stress and tension of the experience already taking it's toll. Finally we're there and I get inside.
As we ride, her hand holds to min. She tries to show me with her actions that she's here with me. I stare at the books in the seat between us-I cry wishing the other was on top. The fairytale book-kid's stories, that I can deal with even if she doesn't-I stop my thoughts.
When I look down again I see my fingers slowly tracing the letters on the book. I hadn't realized-I wonder how long I've been doing that and if she saw. My fingers continue-I touch the T and then the M- Tara Mclay- Tara-T-Tara-I hear her voice the soft stutter of the first time I asked her name. It makes me smile-then the guilt over takes me. I think of Kennedy-I still my hand and squeeze my eyes shut trying to stop the tears from escaping, but they do. They won't stop-I try a new approach. I try to meditate-find a place-peace-calm-stillness-something to stop the thoughts-ease the pain. It must work, because when I hear the my girl's soft words we are home.
"Come on baby-let's go in." She s standing at my door with her hand extended towards me. I take it and get out-my legs protest-wobble-and she wraps me in her arms again. With one arm around me for support she says, "I got you Will." I want to tell her she does, but again words won't work when I need them. I lean into her as we walk to the door.
My girl guides me inside and to the couch. Again her words are soft-gentle, I'd be frustrated with weepy me but she's not, "Anything you need sweetie?"
I just shake my head. I should thank her for taking care of me-loving me even when I'm such a spaz, but I just curl up there on the couch. I watch as she puts the books on the table in front of me-close enough for me to reach but still far enough away to be avoiding if I choose. She disappears toward the kitchen.
I just stare at the book not daring to touch it again. I must get lost in it, but I don't think I was thinking, "Willow," she says and I look up at her. She holds out a cup of tea in front of me. "I made you some tea."
I sit up slowly, cause-well I don't like being all spinny. I take the cup and sip from it. Mmmm-I think, sweet and warm-just like I like it. It makes me feel good inside-like she does. I smile at the thought, "Thanks," I take another sip as I watch my girl move to the TV/Dvd set up. She turns it on, plays with the buttons and suddenly in front of me is Littlefoot, Ducky, Cera and the rest-The Land Before Time. I reach my hand to her. Goddess I love her so much move than I can ever explain or show her. I see her smile as she sits behind me on the couch, "I thought you might like..."
I nod letting her know I do. I put the tea down after another sip. I move rearranging myself on the couch-well actually on her as I move to her lap. I rest my head against my Slayer's shoulder and watch the little baby dinosaurs play. I see her smile out of the corner of my eye and feel her lips against my temple. Her fingers stroke my arm again comforting me-thinking only of me. Not pushing-not wanting answers-just wanting me to be okay. Tara was the same way-the memory sneaks in-Tara memories mixing with Kennedy thoughts-maybe...I hear my Slayer's voice again, "Baby, wanna talk about it?"
I know I messed up. Damn the funny part and I didn't laugh-busted-I say to myself as I notice the screen. I shake my head no. I need more time to sort it all out.
"Okay," she holds me tighter.
I stare at the screen almost allowing it to distract me. Then, I see the book again. Tears find their way to my eyes and fall in streams. "Why won't they stop?" I ask no one in particular. "Make them stop," I say as I look up into her eyes. She wipes my tears away but its no use more just replace them. "I don't know why they won't stop," I cry. But, a part of me does. A part of me knows the truth, but is afraid to tell it. What if it's too much? What if she leaves me?
I hear her soft voice as she again tries to comfort me, "Hey," she kisses my forehead. "It's okay Willow. It'll be okay. I promise."
I lose all control at her words and I beg her, "Please Kennedy-please make'em stop." I lean my forehead against hers-hoping-praying to the goddess-for what I don't know. That maybe the Slayer in her will make me stronger just by her touch. I try to stop the waterfall of tears, I do-I gasp for air, it's getting really hard to breath. She holds me-hugs me tighter, and I can tell she is scared-I can feel it. I press my lips to hers, I'm not sure why other than I think we both need it. I hold my lips there unmoving and I feel her kiss back. I finally pull away.
"Can you tell me what's wrong?" She asks barely a whisper as she fights tears too. I can see them shimmering-she refuses to let them fall.
Her chocolate eyes look into mine and I shake my head no. I dare to speak, "I don't know," I lie cause I sort of do-Tara-it's Tara.
"It's okay," she assures me. "We'll figure it out." She kisses me again-holds me in her arms.
I start to protest-don't know why- "It's not-it's not Tara-it's not, cause I love you." I kiss my girl again, but this time it's not tender or chaste it's full of need and want. When I finally pull away, "I love you," I whisper as our lips part and then I repeat it again. "I love you."
"I know you do. I love you too," my Slayer looks into my eyes as she speaks the words.
"Yeah?" I question cause sometimes I don't know why. I'm genuinely surprised. I not sure what I'm more surprised of though-that she loves me with all my baggage or that she knows I love her, cause I don't tell her enough or show her enough. But I will, starting now-today.
Then more surprises come, "And it's okay, I know you love Tara too." I look at her not sure of what to say. I wanna panic and swear I don't-but I can't lie to her. She starts again, "You always will." My tears fall harder than before at the mention of her name-and Always. I think it and I hear my Tara says it, our vow-Always. I snuggle against Kennedy's chest to hide the tears cause there's no stopping them at this point.
"Just like..." I listen to my girl's words as she tries to explain. "Like if some..." I feel her shudder. She starts again as she calms- "Like if something ever happened to you, I'd still love you till I died." I get it-I finally understand her words, her heart and I nod against her chest as I sniff back move tears as they actually slow. "You're my everything-my Way."
She understands, my heart fills so much lighter. My girl understands about Tara, "You're not mad?" I ask only to clarify cause that little voice inside still doubts-I love someone not her, she has to be mad it says.
Kennedy kisses my hair and I look up to meet her eyes. My teeth bite my bottom lip as I wait and worry. She laughs-it's a funny sound, "Why? Cause your heart's so big?"
I kiss her again and thank the goddess for such an understanding lover. I take a deep breath as I pull away and let it out slowly. Relief washes over me instantly.
"See," she says with a soft smile, "I told you it would be okay." She winks and I fall in love with her all over again.
I repeat one last time, just to be sure- "It's okay to remember her? You won't be mad?"
"I'd worry if you didn't want to remember her-and no-I could be mad -not about her."
I look into her eyes wanting to believe her but it seems so weird-strange that she's so accepting. I wonder if the roles were reversed if I would be. I'm not sure I could be-but I'm glad she is. "Okay," I say softly.
She smiles and we sit quietly, the movie still playing in the background as I snuggle into her. "Hey-you believe me don't you?" She grins.
"Yeah-" I say with just a little bit of a hesitation. Why the grin I wonder, then I know. I hear her in my head.
'You could always check in here.'
I feel myself smile cause once again she just amazes me. She'd do that, let me read her thoughts-her heart. "You're sure?" I ask out loud.
I watch her as she nods and closes her eyes. It'll be harder for her than for me, she's still new to the meditating. When I think she's had time to find her center I close my eyes as well. I enter her mind and find it just like my Slayer said, filled with love and understanding. It overwhelms me with its intensity. It nearly takes my breath away. The level of acceptance is unbelievable. "Wow-" I say out loud as I open my eyes to meet hers. I kiss her lips, the need to touch her is just too much.
"See," she smiles. "No worries here-so not mad."
"Okay," I say as the truth of her words finally sink into all of me-even the little voice is silent. She wraps me in her arms and I snuggle as close as I can surrounded by her love.
We sit this way for awhile neither talking or moving. My mind wanders from her to Tara-people think they're so different and they are-Tara and my Kennedy, but they're not too. Both are so loving and giving-and sometimes it's... I feel her turn her head and rest her cheek against mine. I dare to tell her the truth-all of it as I speak the words audible for the first time in a long time-words I've wanted to say to her. "I miss her," I confess to my lover in a whisper.
"I know," she whispers back as she holds me.
She's really not mad, "Sometimes I-" I stop to push back tears cause I'm not going to cry this time. "I lost everything that was her-in-in Sunnydale-" I feel her arms hold me tighter and it gives me strength to go on. "It makes it harder I think-maybe if-" I stop not sure what I was going to say.
"Yeah, I get that," she whispers.
"Then the shock of the book-that's why-" tears start to form and fill my eyes. They water but I hold them in.
"I know--shhhh" she presses a kiss to the back of my head. We are quiet and then she speaks as she nudges my lightly. "I had a thought, want to buy her a new gravestone and put it here?" I know my look is one of surprise-cause hey-surprised. First, because I didn't think of it and then second-Kennedy did. She'd do that find a way to make me feel better. She misreads my face I can tell as she starts to back pedal, "I-I know-she wouldn't be here-but," she stops.
Maybe it was her misreading me maybe she changed her mind? I couldn't blame her. "Ah-" I start. Do I want that?- "Let me think about it?"
"Sorry," she says her voice again concerned as she looks down and away from me.
I turn her face back to mine, "The idea-is-I like it, I'm just not sure about-it's hard to explain."
"So you'll take all the time you need. Okay?"
"Okay," I nod. "I love you."
She smirks just a little. "Hey! I was gonna say that!"
I can't help but smile. I kiss her softly on the lips and she kisses me back. It's slow and unrushed and goddess-it's spectacular. I feel her fingers in my hair and it would be so easy to just let go and get lost in her but-but we shouldn't-I shouldn't right now. Tara is too close in my thoughts. Kennedy's hand cups the back of my head and neck-pulling me closer. A few seconds later I pull back breaking the kiss and rest my forehead on hers.
She breathes deeply and lets it out, "That was nice."
"Very nice," I agree with my Slayer my breathing a little ragged too. "But can we just snuggle and watch the movie?"
"Sure," she grins a bit wickedly. "You started it you know."
"I know," I take responsibility for my actions most of the time. I bite my bottom lip, admittedly I can be a tease as well as most. "I'll finish it later, I promise. Just-I-I like this part."
"I know," she says as she kisses me chastely. "Turn around and watch before you miss it."
And that's what I do, I turn my back to her chest and relax into her arms. I watch the cartoon dinosaurs finish their adventure. It makes me think-Life is an adventure. It truly is-but seconds later that thought is gone replaced by thoughts of Tara. I wonder if it'll ever hurt less? I feel my girl's face against mine and I know the answer. Someday-Some day it will-because of her. I take Kennedy's hand in mine as I smile. I look down at her hand and my eyes see the books as well, but instead of focusing on the sad-I look at the fairytale book-and dream.
Kennedy's POV
I make it to Willow's side in less than a second, wrapping my arms around her. "Baby? You alright?"
I can feel her body trembling, trying to fall. I tighten my arms a little, holding her up, trying to get her to feel I'm here. "Okay-" she says softly, distracted, her face is so pale, her eyes wide and staring, I start to get a little scared, cause I've never seen this reaction from my shy super witch.
I say the first thing that pops into my head. "Sweetie, you look like you've seen a ghost!"
She pulls away from me a little and tries to walk away, out of the store. "I'm okay," she tells me, but I have eyes. She's lying, trying to get me to not worry, but I can't help that, not when she can't even stand straight. She wobbles, so unsteady on her feet, I'm afraid she's gonna fall.
Then the fog lifts and my distracted brain makes the connection between Willow's reaction and the letters TM. "Oh, shit! That was Tara's book-Wasn't it?" I look right at her, into her eyes, worried. Not because of Tara. I put that stupid bit of jealousy out of my mind ages ago.
I'm worried because Willow looks ready to pass out and I've never seen anything affect her like this.
"We-we should-should go." She starts to move again, her movements almost drunken in their shakiness. "Need some air."
I glance down at the books and some little childhood instilled urge prompts me to clean up my mess. 'To hell with that,' my mind answers. Willow needs me. In a flash, I'm at her side, my arm around her, steadying her.
I lead us outside, over toward a bench I noticed as we went in. I have to confirm what I already know, even though I know I might cause her more pain. That thought alone nearly makes me keep quiet. I can't stand it when she hurts, and when I cause it, I want to die, but I have to know for sure.
"Was it? Hers, I mean?"
My eyes on her face, I can see her eyes are full of tears and that she's trying so hard to not cry. I try to will strength through the points where out bodies are touching and through the mind link we use to talk to each other sometimes. She nods slightly.
I stop our walking and put my other arm around her, pulling her close, then softly ask, "Do you want me to get it?" I hesitate, then add, "I know you've only got the one picture."
Damn. As soon as my words leave my lips, her tears start, but her arms slip around me as she begins to shake. Hugging her tightly, I whisper, over and over that it's okay, it'll be okay. I feel her tears on my neck and her trembling body in my arms and suddenly, I can't stand it any longer.
Moving swiftly, I pick her up and sit down, all in one motion, with her now on my lap and cradled in my arms. I try everything I can think of to help her, to console her. I keep repeating that it's okay and that I'm here. She turns her face toward my body and burrows into my shoulder, her tears and sobs flowing freely. I do the only thing I can think of; I just keep holding her.
Pressing my lips gently to her head, I kiss her, then say softly, "Hey-it's okay."
"It's not okay," she tells me, her voice muffled.
I try again to offer comfort. "I know you miss her." I hope she understands that I don't mind that she does.
"It's not okay," she says, her voice louder and more clear. "It's not okay-it's not okay-it's not," she repeats, louder with each repetition.
"No-but it will be," I tell her, trying once again to help her through this.
She looks up and into my eyes and hers are so haunted. By grief, by guilt, by hatred, that I almost can't stand to return her gaze. I want so badly to set this right, to help her. "It'll never be okay," she answers me.
"Why?" I ask, reasonably, I think. "Tell me what I can do to make it better."
She looks at me, suddenly even more scared than she was and tries to get out of my lap, but I have my arms around her waist and she can't get the leverage to stand. She struggles harder and I don't know what to do. If she wants to get up, I should let her, but my instincts scream that if I let her go, we'll never be the same again.
"I need to not be here," she says, her struggles getting stronger, harder to resist. "Let me go," she demands loudly, then louder still, "Let go!" I make a fast decision and release her body, but grab her wrist. Instantly, she's on her feet and pulling away. I stand and anchor myself, not letting her go, never letting her go.
Her hands push and tear at mine, trying to get me to let go. "I need..." she starts to say, then stops herself. I can guess the rest, though. I'm not sure if I'm okay with that, but I understand it and that's enough.
"NO!" I turn her to face me and grab her other arm. Looking her in the eyes, I ask, "Do we need to not be here? Fine. We can leave right now-you and me." My eyes search her grief darkened green ones, and I finally see that I've gotten through.
Her struggles stop and she suddenly collapses into me, back into my arms, sobbing. Picking her up again, I sit with her in my lap again, this time not saying anything, just holding her, rocking her, being here for her. My own tears start, though they're only partly in sympathy for her. Mostly, they're tears of rage, directed at myself. Some great protector I am. Can't even protect the woman I love more than life.
We sit for a while, I don't know, don't care how long, her sobs quiet but don't really stop. Her breath is coming so hard, like she's having to fight just to get each one into her body. I ache to help, but can only continue to do what I already am; Hold her and show her she's not alone, she'll never be alone again.
"Want to go home, baby?" I ask, keeping my voice soft, quiet. I feel her nod against my chest. "Sorry, but-" I stop, hating myself for even thinking of asking this, but I know I'll hate myself even more if she asks later and I have to say no. "Do you want the book?"
Once again, I feel her nod and, on impulse, I kiss her forehead, letting my lips linger for a second, then stand up, setting her on her feet. I keep her in my arms, not sure if she has her balance back yet.
She shies away, stammering, "Don't-don't want to go in. I-I-can't-"
I give her a little squeeze. "Don't have to. I'll get you to the car and go back for it." I say, hoping she'll let me do this. If I have my way, she'll never come within a mile of this place again.
"I'm-I'm okay here," she says quietly.
"You sure?" I ask, not wanting to leave her here this closed to the damned place.
She sniffs and wipes at her face, dashing tears away, then rolls her eyes for some reason. She nods and looks at me for the first time since this started and I see her eyes get a little more hurt as she sees my own tears. Damn it, I rage at myself, hasn't she got enough to deal with right now without you and your lack of control?
Her lips are suddenly on mine and I return her kiss automatically, gently. I try to convey all my love and devotion, my support and understanding. I pull away and help her to sit, her legs still too wobbly to suit me.
"Hurry," she tells me.
I lean over and press my lips to her cheek. "I will," I assure her. I turn to leave, to go get that damned book, but again, my instincts scream. I stop as they tell me she needs me again. Needs to know how I feel, to know that everything is fine, as far as I'm concerned.
Turning back, I see that she's staring at the ground, getting lost in bad thoughts again and I know, once again, the instincts that have saved my ass on more than one occasion have just done it again.
Reaching out, I lay the palm of my hand on her cheek. "Hey," I say, whisper quiet. She looks up without thinking and I smile lovingly. "Do you know how much I love you?"
Her eyes soften and she nods, her tears making a brief come back. I smile in return, thanking any God listening for the instincts that just saved me again. "I'll be right back," I promise.
Reluctant, but resolutely, I walk away, back into the book store, back to that aisle. As I approach, I see the new clerk picking both books I dropped up, probably to put them back on the shelf.
"Hey," I call to him. "I was just coming back to buy those."
He turns to me, his expression puzzled. "Then why were they on the floor?"
I shake my head, not wanting to talk to this idiot. I just want to give him money and get back to my girl before she has too much time to think too much. "Doesn't matter," I tell him, then hold up my credit card. "Here."
He starts to ask another question, but looks closer at my face and finally sees that I have no intention of humoring him and am really close to doing something I might regret. Quietly, he turns back to the counter and rings up my purchase. I follow him, signing the slip when he puts it on the counter top, then pocket my card, pick up my books and turn my back on him.
I leave the shop, my eyes searching out Willow, to see her as soon as I clear the doorway. She's looking at the front of the store, like she just knew I was coming out at that moment and she smiles. It's not her best smile, but it is a smile, so, I'll take it. I walk up to her, smile and quietly hand her Tara's book. Her eyes take it in, then slide to the other book in my hand, the book of fairy tales.
She smiles again, and this time, it's her happy smile. Now, I'm so glad I bought the book, even if we never get a chance to use it. I make a mental note to talk to Giles, see if there's a spell, or charm or something that would allow two women to conceive. If he doesn't know, maybe that coven he and Willow are always talking about might. The thought gives me a little hope.
I refocus on my girl and see she's still looking at Tara's book, but, then she hands it back to me. I can't help it. I look at her, a little confused. Did I do something wrong? Her words reassure me. "Hold it for me, okay?"
I nod and put it with the other one, holding them both tucked under one arm. "Sure. Ready to go?"
She nods and stands and I put my arm around her, more for moral support now, as her legs seem to be listening to her again. We walk to the car, her body sagging slightly as we go. I help her get in, then get in myself, placing the books on the seat between us.
Starting the car, I back out, then head for home, taking her hand in mine as soon as the car is moving forward. I glance over at her from time to time, watching her look at the books, unable to tell from those glimpses what she's thinking.
Then, her fingers begin tracing letters on the magic book's cover, the back of my hand moving over the lower edge of the cover. I look over at her as she does and, even from that quick peek, I can tell she's unaware she's doing it, her mind far away, lost in thought. She suddenly does notice and her hand stops moving.
I glance over again and see her close her eyes, pressing the lids together fiercely, trying to not start crying again, but the tears win. They slowly slip down her cheeks again and I catch myself before I can pull over and take her in my arms again. That can wait til we're home, I tell myself. Fine, I think. Then speed up.
Cutting several minutes off our return journey, I thumb the remote for the garage and pull in. Shutting the car off, I look at Willow, but can tell she's meditating, trying to get her emotions back under control. Getting out of the car, I come around to her side and open the door. I reach out and touch her lightly on the shoulder, then pull my hand back a little, leaving it extended to help her from the car.
Softly, I say to her, "Come on baby. Let's go in." She looks up and her hand slips into mine as she gets out of the car. Her legs wobble a bit and I immediately wrap an arm around her waist, supporting her and stopping the wobble. "I got you Will," I whisper to her. She looks like she wants to say something, but just leans into my side instead and I pull her closer.
Working my way through the doors, I steer us into the living room and get her settled on the couch. Catching her eye, I ask softly, "Anything you need sweetie?" She shakes her head and curls up on the sofa.
Suddenly, I now something that I know will help. Putting the books down on the coffee table, near enough to her she can get to them if she wants, I head for the kitchen. Once there, I turn on the stove and start heating water, then get a cup from the cabinet and a tea bag from the canister on the counter. The water's ready in a few minutes and I pour it into the mug, then take it back to the living room.
When I get there, she hasn't moved. She's still just staring at the books. "Willow," I call quietly, relieved when she looks up. "I made you some tea," I tell her, extending the mug toward her.
She sits up, slowly and takes the cup from me, sipping at it. My heart soars when she smiles a little and I can see her shoulders relax slightly. "Thanks," she says, taking another sip.
I give her a small smile and duck my head a bit. I have an idea and walk over to the entertainment rack to set it up. Checking the dvd player, I see that I did indeed forget to put that particular movie away. Turning the tv on, I get to the setup section of the disc and start the movie only a couple scenes from Will's favorite part.
Grabbing the remote, I turn back to her just as the parade of animated dinosaurs starts. I see her eyes light up and she holds her hand out to me, wanting me to join her. I smile as I sit down behind her. "I thought you might like..." I say, leaving the thought unfinished.
She nods and takes another sip of her tea before putting the cup down. She moves away from me and I start to ask, but stop as she crawls into my lap. Laying her head on my shoulder, she settles in to watch her movie and I can't help but smile. Softly, I kiss her temple, and let my hands gently stroke her arm, just trying by my actions to show her I'm here. That I'm not going anywhere.
A part of me wants to know what she's thinking, but I know she'll tell me when she can. That right now, the memories are too raw, too close to the surface. I also know she worries that she'll hurt me if she talks about Tara, if she thinks about how much she misses her. She won't and I've tried to tell her that, but she still doesn't believe me.
The movie plays in the background and one of her favorite parts begins. She always laughs, but this time, she doesn't even notice. Ok, I said I wasn't gonna push, but now I gotta ask. "Baby, wanna talk about it?"
Her face gets a stricken expression, like she hadn't wanted me to notice how lost in thought she was. She shakes her head.
I give her a little squeeze. "Okay." She'll talk when she's ready, so I decide to drop it.
"Why won't they stop?" she asks suddenly. Turning to face me, she looks in my eyes and pleads, "Make them stop."
I feel my heart break as I reach up and start wiping tears away, off her cheeks. It's losing battle as more replace the ones I wipe away.
"I don't know why they won't stop," she cries.
"Hey, it's okay, Willow." I tell her before lightly kissing her forehead. "It'll be okay, I promise." I try to put all the conviction I can into that oath.
"Please, Kennedy," she begs me. "Please make'em stop!" Her forehead touches mine and I feel her trembling. I do everything I can to send her all my strength, all my love into her body, where ever we're touching. She gasps for air and I feel my own lungs burn in sympathy. My arms tighten around her and as her tears fall even more freely, I get scared.
Afraid, because I don't know what to do. I love her so much and I can't help her. This thought make me angry, not at her, of course, but myself. I claim I love her, that I'd do anything for her. Yeah, right, I hear myself, that part of myself that berates me for mistakes. 'You say you love her, but she asks for one little thing, and you just sit there and do nothing!' it yells at me and I can't help but think the voice might be right.
I'm jerked back to reality and away from the voice by the feel of her lips on mine. She holds them there, unmoving and I kiss her in return, letting her say what happens. She finally pulls away, and I don't do my first impulse, to kiss her again. Instead, I whisper, "Can you tell me what's wrong?" I can feel my eyes prickle, like I want to cry, too, but I can't. Not after seeing her horror in front of that store.
I look into the emerald gems I adore, though they're the darkest green I've ever seen them, and she shakes her head no. After a moment, she says, so quiet that, if it wasn't for my Slayer hearing, I'm not sure I'd have heard it. "I don't know."
"It's okay," I tell her again. "We'll figure it out, "I promise her, meaning every word. We will, or I'll die trying. I kiss her lips softly, then hold her back against my body, trying to just radiate love and acceptance til she's ready to talk.
I must not have gotten it right, because, suddenly, she's protesting, "It's not-it's not Tara-it's not, cause I love you." She kisses me, a kiss full of want and need and desperate passion. She pulls away after a moment, whispering an affirmation of, "I love you." She pulls a little farther away, then repeats it once more.
I lock eyes with her and smile a little. "I know you do. I love you, too." Sometimes, I wonder how long it'll be until she believes me.
"Yeah?"
I nod, then try a different tactic. "And it's okay, I know you love Tara, too." I can see the panic in her face, her need to deny what I'm saying, but that's only because she doesn't understand what I'm saying. "You always will, " I continue, hoping she'll let me finish my thought before she tries to correct me. Her tears begin again and she buries her face in my chest, probably so I won't see them.
I have to make her see that I understand, that I'm completely ok with the situation. "Just like..." 'No!' my subconscious screams. I can't bear to even think of that, but I have to. Have to voice it. "Like if some..." Again, the words won't come, but I bear down and force myself to think of a life without her. "Like if something ever happened to you, I'd still love you till I died." There! I said it. It only ripped my heart and guts out, too.
"You're my everything - My Way." I remind her, easing the words softly into her ear. I stroke her hair, gently running my hand over the copper tresses.
Her voice comes up from my chest, a little muffled, but perfectly clear. "You're not mad?"
I kiss her hair, just behind her temple and she looks up at last, her eyes finding my chocolate ones. She bites her bottom lip and, for once, I don't feel the usual erotic thrill, just a bubble of relieved laughter I have to release. "Why? Cause your heart's so big?" I have to ask.
She kisses me again and it's simply full of love. She breaks it off and pulls back a little, taking a deep breath as she does, then she lets it out slowly. I can tell from how she's sitting in my arms now that she's on her way to believing me at last.
"See?" I ask with a small, soft smile. "I told you it would be okay!" I wink at her, hoping to cheer her up some more.
"It's okay to remember her?" she asks, tentatively, like she can't have heard correctly. Ok, not as far along to belief as I thought. "You won't be mad?"
I give her a little squeeze. "I'd worry if you didn't want to remember her-and no-I couldn't be mad -not about her."
She looks deeply into my eyes, like she's searching for the truth, finally, she quietly says, "Okay."
I smile and she returns it wanly as we sit quietly. She snuggles into me and I try to think of something that will prove to her I really am okay with this. Think. That's it. I grin down at her. "Hey," I say, nudging her. "You believe me, don't you?"
"Yeah," she answers, after a little hesitation.
'You could always check in here,' I send my thoughts to her.
She smiles as her eyes widen a little. "You're sure?" she asks aloud.
Instead of answering, I just nod, close my eyes and open my mind, calming my thoughts like she's taught me. At the same time, I concentrate on my love and devotion for her, on how happy she makes me and the fact that I really want her to remember Tara. I think of how she's everything I've ever wanted, everything I'll ever want, the reality that I will never leave her, I'll always be with her, as long as she wants me.
I hear a small gasp, then "Wow-" I open my eyes, just in time to see her open her's, and they meet, green to brown. She kisses me, her lips soft on my own.
"See?" I smile at the love of my life. "No worries here, so not mad." I wrap my arms around her again, wanting, needing to feel her body touching mine.
"Okay," she says quietly, almost reverently as she snuggles deeply into my chest.
We just sit quietly for a while, I don't know or care how long, I simply relish the time, the feel of her in my arms, the smell of her, the warmth of her body. I turn my head a little and gently press our cheeks together, still content to just sit and hold her.
"I miss her," she says, whispering, really. I can tell she had to struggle to get those words out and I'm so proud of her.
"I know," I whisper softly in her ear, giving her a small squeeze as well, just a little extra contact.
"Sometimes I-" She stops speaking and her voice is quavery, like there are more tears behind the words. "I lost everything that was her-in-in Sunnydale-" I tighten my embrace once more, wanting to show her through my actions that I believe in her, that she can do this. "It makes it harder I think-maybe if-"
My lips still near her ear, I say softly, "Yeah, I get that."
After another moment or two, she continues. "Then the shock of the book-that's why-" She stops again and with my enhanced hearing, I hear the little sniff she gives and I know she's holding back tears again.
"I know." I move my head and press a kiss to the back of her head, saying, "Shhhh," as I do. I think furiously, trying to come up with something, anything to help.
Suddenly, I remember when we were in Sunnydale. Sometimes, she would disappear for a few hours, especially when she was upset, then come home feeling better. Not proud of it, but I got suspicious and followed her one afternoon, right to Tara's grave. She talked to her for a couple hours, then left smiling. I didn't get close enough to hear what was said, but I know it helped.
Nudging her lightly, I say, "I had a thought. Want to buy her a new gravestone and put it here?"
She turns to face me, her expression one of surprise and disbelief. Damn. Overdid it. Ok, gotta fix this somehow, cause it seemed like a good idea. "I-I know-she wouldn't be there, but..." I stop, unable to continue, afraid I'll hurt more than help.
"Ah," she starts to say something, but stops for a second, then continues. "Let me think about it?"
Damn it, I did go too far. "Sorry," I say and I really am. I hate causing her pain. I look down and away from her eyes.
She turns my face back to hers. "The idea-is-I like it, I'm just not sure about-it's hard to explain."
I nod and think that maybe, just maybe, I didn't screw up too badly. "So you'll take all the time you need. Okay?"
"Okay," she says, nodding. "I love you."
I can't help it. I smirk a little and reply, "Hey! I was gonna say that!"
I'm trying to lighten the mood, and I may have done it, cause she smiles and kisses me. I return the affection, and it's slow, unrushed, our lips moving. I bring my hands up and lace my fingers into her hair, pulling her a bit closer.
She pulls back a few seconds later and rests her forehead against mine, her breathing a little ragged. I take a deep breath, then let it out slowly. "That was nice."
She smiles slightly, saying, "Very nice, but-can we just snuggle and watch the movie?"
I smile back and answer, "Sure." Then, my smile becomes a wicked grin as I remind her, "You started it, you know."
"I know," she says solemnly. Then she bites her bottom lip and this time, it is sensual and I feel the now familiar surge of my libido. "I'll finish it later, I promise. Just-I-I like this part."
"I know," I say quietly, then I place a chaste kiss on her lips. "Turn around and watch before you miss it."
She gives me a loving smile, then turns and snuggles her back into my chest. I wrap my arms loosely around her waist and lower my chin to rest on her shoulder, my cheek pressed to hers again. I soon feel her body relax and mold itself to mine. After a little while, she takes my hand and I feel her smile.
Good. She's happy again and I'm content.
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