Seeds of Doubt/Clouds of Confusion

Rating: PG to NC-17
Disclaimer: All of the materials borrowed from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel belong to Joss Whedon and to the entities and companies associated with their creation. I have borrowed them for creative and entertainment purposes only. No compensation has been or ever shall be received for the writing below. No copyright infringement is intended. Please don't sue
Distribution: The Kennedy Fanfic Archive: http://www.kennedyfanfic.com/fanfic/
Slayer's Secret Weapon: http://www.elfie.org/~wolfkin/willowwolf/
If you are interested in posting my story on your site, please contact me first for permission.
Feedback: Yes, please. Any fanfic writer that says they don't want feedback is kidding you.
Spoilers: Show's been off the air since May of 2003. Can they still be considered spoilers?
Author's Notes: We have kept to the BtVS/Angel canon to the end of the season 7 and season 4, respectively. From there, the story is a little different than shown.
F/F romance: This story assumes a loving and sexual relationship between people of the same gender. If this offends or is illegal for you, then please leave. Come back when you are older, have an open mind, moved, or changed your laws.
Pairing: Willow/Kennedy

Summary: Post-Chosen. Starts about a year after Chosen and follows Willow and Kennedy's life together through a rough time. Will they be able to stay together?

Chapter 1

I feel her arms encircle me and then her lips on my cheek as she kisses me. "Smells great baby. I know it was my turn to cook."

My mind starts again anger bubbling up. If you knew then why am I cooking? My mind asks.

"But I forgot. I'm sorry," Kennedy says.

Her words are sincere but still I shrug and pull away from her. I cross to pick up the salad and I take it to the table. "Don't worry about it-it-it gave me something to do."

I see the confusion on her face, in her soft chocolate eyes as she speaks again. "Well, okay-but I'm still gonna make it up to you. How about I tomorrow I fix you pancakes for breakfast and one of your favorites for dinner?"

I smile wanly, "If you want."

She smiles at me and takes my hand as she gently kisses my fingers. Then she helps me put the things on the table. I should be happy but I'm not-past demons try to regain control but I am finally able to push them away. I sit with my love and I thank the goddess that she pushed her way into my life. She may be a brat-not arguing that point but she's my brat. She's all that keeps me-no-I refuse to even give that thought voice.

I don't know what I'd do without her. I think about it, sometimes, when I 'm alone-when the darkness threatens. What would happen if I lost her? If the slaying or my controlliness took her from me. That's easy-I'd be lost and no amount of yellow crayons could fix it.

My rambling mind stops when I realize she is standing in front of me talking. She kisses my cheek before turning to the door.

"Meeting Faith in half an hour! See ya later, Red." She calls back over her shoulder.

"But you patrolled last night-" with Faith always Faith-the words enter my mind. I try to be calm to control the anger, it leaves but hurt replaces it. "Plans-we had plans."

Again she looks confused. Does she ever listen to anything I say? "We did?" She turns to look at me as she speaks. Her face falls and I see the instant she remembers. "Oh-right-I forgot."

"Not surprised," my words come out harsh. I struggle to keep tears away as I stand together dishes.

"Willow, I'm sorry," she says again as she moves towards me. And again I know she truly is. "I-I can call Faith-" the words make me breath in relief. It feels like a weight has been lifted for some reason. I move toward her and stop as she speaks. "But she's counting on me to be there tonight."

The weight returns hitting me even harder then before. I can feel the tears fall from my eyes as I turn away from her. "Just-just go. It's all you do-" I force the words to stop before they are hurtful, unfixable but there's so much more top say.

"No!-I'll call her. Buffy can help tonight. I can stay home."

I face her again. She walks toward me but I back away not wanting her to touch me for the first time ever. I shake my head and move to the other side of the room-the farther away the better. I turn from her again -my eyes on the floor as I try to meditate-to calm myself. The power of the scythe cleansed the Dark Magicks from me totally but I know this feeling-anger-rage-it's so close to the surface. I just don't understand why.

"Talk to me Red." I don't answer-I won't answer as long as she calls me that name. "Please?"

I stand unmoving, fighting for control-then the words just out. "It's just-you're out there all the time and your all with the action girl and..."

"Willow I'm a Slayer!-You know, the whole protect the innocent masses from the forces of darkness." I hear her anger.

She wants anger, I'll show her anger. I feel the fire again, "You're not the only one." My voice gets louder, "It doesn't always have to be you."

"I know that-but I have to help. It's what I trained for-for years remember?"

I glare at her, "Fine-" I say but I think 'You're gonna do what you want anyway, you always do.'

She tries again, "Baby please-you made me a Slayer. You know how much I wanted it right?"

Some of the anger disappears as I remember the day. Me-her-alone, the power of the scythe channeling through me and for a brief second her power was mine too. "Yeah, I do-I get that but" I look down. My words are soft mostly because I really don't want her to answer-not really. "I thought you wanted us too?"

As I raise my eyes I see her shocked face, "I do! More than anything." She looks so sad, "Willow-I love you. You have to know that."

I wipe tears from my face, god-when had they started? My eyes lock with hers-it's intense. I see her flinch slightly. "Sometimes I wonder if you had to choose..." my words stop as fresh tears fall. I feel my legs running-not stopping until I'm out of the room and standing on the back porch.

I look out into the night. Goddess I hate it-the night. I look up at the sky and see the full moon shinning down. Immediately I think of Oz-I wonder where her his how he is-if he is man or beast at this moment. I hope he is still in control-control is so important.

I remember how being out of control felt-and the guilt after. A small smile finds its way to my lips as Kennedy enters my mind. Without her would I have ever forgiven myself, I'm not sure.

Thoughts continue to run rampant, pieces like a puzzle-scrambled-unclear. It scares me because I don't know the reason for this sudden return of so many past worries and insecurities.

I see Veruca-feel the emotions of that day rip through me again. But I force her out of the way. As so as I do Oz is there-crying telling me he has to go. My tears fall too- "Stop!" I order myself. "Just stop-" the words a plea more than a command the second time. I force myself to regain control and as I do I decide to go back inside. Running was wrong.

Later I sit in front of the television. I stare at it but don't really see it. I'm still trying understand what is causing all the memories. I wonder if it's possibly magic but I know it isn't. I'd know without asking if it were.

"Hey, want to talk?" Asks Kennedy as she walks in the room but I don't answer. She tries again, "Can I sit with you?"

I shrug but don't move over to make room for her. I wonder why she's still here. She explains, "I called Faith. I'm, uh, I'm staying home tonight. We can do what we planned, if you want."

I don't look at my Slayer, though I realize that she let me win this time. She deserves an answer so I speak softly, "Not much in the mood now."

"You sure?" She asks as she squats down in front of me, her face level with mine. "We can put in a movie-"

I try to stay calm-I don't want to hurt her, I truly don't but the words find their way out. "You don't want-you just-If you had wanted-you would have remembered."

"I did-I do-want this! Faith was just all excited about a nest she found and I was caught up in it, that's all."

Damn the tears start again and I can't stop them or the one forced angry word that slips out, "Faith," I whisper almost a hiss as I can hear and feel the anger-almost hate in the name.

"Yeah-" she doesn't notice the tone- "You know how she is when she wants something."

I look away, but the tears won't stop. "Yeah, I know." I catch myself before the bitter words are voiced. Want-Take-Have-how many times had I heard them from the Slayer?

Kennedy takes my hand in hers and I don't pull away-but I don't hold hers back. I see fear and uncertainty in her eyes and I feel badly. She speaks, "I'm so sorry."

I glance at her but its enough-enough to see the hurt. I try to stop the tears but can't. I wipe them away. "I know." I try to convey my understanding with the words but I know I don't. "Let's just-" my voice breaks and I let out a sigh of sorts. "I don't want to talk-okay?"

Damn-that's not what I wanted to say-I can't talk-I can't explain, that's what I meant. I look at her and see tears forming in her eyes. They're my fault too. I move so that she can sit with me. It's not much but it's all I can give now. Everything else is too hard. I feel her sit next to me-feel her hip touch mine. I should tell her I'm sorry too-cause I so am, but instead I turn back to the safety of the television. I should tell her so much but I don't. I bury the feelings-bury the fears. I know better but I do it anyway.

I hear her voice, "Hey, I thought you hated this show?"

I shrug, then glance at the screen really looking for the first time. She's right, "I hadn't noticed it was on."

She touches my arm with her hand and I can tell she's afraid I'll pull away like before. I almost do, I have to force myself to hold still. She speaks, "We can watch it if you want."

"Doesn't matter," I answer. My mind wants to say nothing matters-but why do I feel that way?

Time passes, time that is silent-I hate silence. I always have, I think that's why I babble so much-to fill in the gaps of silence. Why can't I talk now? Why do I feel this way? What has she done that is so wrong? My mind is full of questions that have no answers.

Later-I'm not sure how much later, nothing is resolved. She looks worried and I feel angry. She stands and I can see her frustration. "I'm gonna go work out for awhile." I say nothing as she starts to touch my face but then just walks away. She walks away and I let her-just like I let Tara.

My mind stops, stunned by its own thoughts. Tara-Tara leaving, Tara dying. I try desperately to make them disappear. I shake them away and before they can return I run up the stairs.

In my, no-our room the one I share with my lover, my world I go over to the dresser to get my flannel pajamas. They're my comfort item-my blankey, sounds silly I know but its true. As I turn to go shower-hoping it will clear my head I see the picture of Kennedy and I on the dresser. We're both smiling-and truly happy. We are wrapped tightly in each other's arms. I pick it up and wonder when I stopped being happy. I shake my head and run my finger along her face. I gently put it back where it belongs. "Belongs," I say softly. "Where do I belong?" I ask myself quietly. That's a good question.

Now I lie on the couch my mind still confused-so much uncertainty-so much noise. Through it all I hear her walk in. Her heart is pounding from the activity. "Willow, baby? I'm gonna grab a shower then I'll be ready for bed, okay?"

I simply nod-never looking at her. I listen as she leaves. My tears fall as my mind shouts- Why does everyone leave? I can't stop the tears as they cause my body to shake. Random thoughts race through my mind-Oz, the tears as he leaves.-Tara and more tears-then Kennedy; the worry the doubt. When will she leave? When-they always leave. How can I stop her. Before the total loss of control something inside me screams meditate Willow and I do. I clear my mind-find my focus-even my breathing and the voices become quiet. The last thought-goddess give me repose-then no thinking.

Kennedy's POV

Coming up behind her, I wrap my arms around her and hug her, kissing her cheek. "Smells great, baby. I know it was my turn to cook, but I forgot. I'm sorry."

She shrugs and moves away from me, picking up a bowl of salad. "Don't worry about it-it-it gave me something to do."

I can feel my eyebrows draw together as I try to understand her tone. Shaking my head, I just figure it's me and tell her, "Well, ok- but I'm still gonna make it up to you. How about tomorrow I fix you pancakes for breakfast and one of your favorites for dinner?"

She smiles, wanly. "If you want."

I return her smile and reach for her hand. Taking it in mine, I gently kiss her fingers, then help her get the last things for dinner on the table and sit down, glad we have it settled. I don't like it when it feels like I've hurt her somehow. She's the only thing in the world that matters to me and God knows I'd do anything for her. I just thank both God and the Goddess she believes in that she's with me and that we have such a solid thing going.

As I finish my dinner, I notice the time and wipe my mouth, dropping the napkin in my plate. Jumping to my feet, I quickly cross to Willow and kiss her on the cheek before turning toward the door. "Meeting Faith in half an hour! See ya later, Red!" I call back over my shoulder.

Willow's voice stops me dead in my tracks. "But you patrolled last night. - Plans. We had plans."

The pain and disappointment in her voice lashes me, even through my confusion. "We did?" I turn back to face her and my face falls as the memory slams home. "Oh. Right. I forgot."

She barks a laugh that sounds like a sob and my heart breaks. "Not surprised," she tells me, standing and starting to gather dishes.

I take a step toward her and say the only thing I can thing of. "Willow, I'm sorry." Even my slow brain can understand I need to fix this now, so I try, "I- I can call Faith, but she's counting on me to be there tonight." Oh, damn! Why did I add that?

Looking into those green eyes I love so much, I see a slight hope start, then die as my mouth betrays me. The emerald pools begin to fill with unshed tears and part of me begins to beat myself up over my own stupidity.

Willow starts toward me, then stops and turns away at my last words. "Just-just go. It's all you do-"

"No! I'll call her. Buffy can help tonight. I can stay home." I cross the rest of the distance to her and tentatively reach out, wanting to hold her, but she shakes her head and retreats from me to the other side of the kitchen. When the table is between is, she turns back to me, but keeps her eyes downcast.

We stand like this for several minutes, until I can no longer bear the silence. "Talk to me, Red! Please?" I beg, desperate to know what's going on.

For another moment or two, my beautiful witch is still quiet. Then the words just come spilling out, much like the tears that slip unnoticed down her cheeks. Unnoticed by her, but each one tears at me like a demon's claws "It's just-you're out there all the time and you're all with the action girl and--"

Confusion cuts through me, along with the the first bits of anger, though I have no idea what I'm angry at. "Willow, I'm a Slayer! You know, the whole protect the innocent masses from the forces of darkness."

Willow finally looks up at me, her eyes sparkling with fire. "You're not the only one! It doesn't have to always be you!"

"I know that! But I have to help. It's what I trained for. For years, remember?"

She crosses her arms and glares at me. I stop myself from flinching at the intensity of it. Barely. "Fine"

I manage to stop the first angry response that flies through my brain and nearly escapes, saying instead, "Baby, please! You made me a Slayer, you know how much I wanted it, right?"

Her eyes soften a little. "Yeah-I do-I get that but," she stops and looks down again, softly adding, "I thought you wanted us too."

My eyes widen, not believing she could think I didn't. "I do! More than anything!" Desperately, I add, "Willow, I love you. You have to know that!"

She impatiently wipes at her face, before replying, "Maybe." Emerald lasers lock onto me and scour my soul. "Sometimes I wonder if you had to choose..." Her voice dies off, then, fresh tears falling, she races from the room, leaving me stunned and immobile.

I stand for what feels like hours, trying to think how this happened. How did the one person I love more than life itself start thinking I loved the Slaying more? Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I know I have to try to fix it. Now.

Reaching over, I pick up the phone and dial Faith's cel number. She picks up on the third ring, asking, "Yo, Brat! Where are ya? Found a nest, just right for the slayin!"

I wince, partly for the enthusiasm in her voice, but partly for how much I want to go, even with what just happened. "Sorry, TM. Better call Buffy. I don't feel much like patrolling tonight, so I'm gonna stay home."

"Oh, bullshit!" she scoffs. "The day you don't feel like slaying is the day I give up after patrol sex!"

I force a chuckle. "Guess you're not gettin any tonight, then. Better call Buffy or one of the others, cause I'm not comin."

"But," she tries again, then stops talking. I could swear I can hear the lecherous grin I know she's wearing. "Closer to say, you're not comin yet, Junior!" She laughs lustily. "Fine! Stay home and make Red scream. Do you some good! Later!"

The line goes dead. "Make Red scream." If she only knew that I already have, but not the way I ever expected and a way I've never wanted.

Replacing the phone onto it's base, I go looking for Willow, finding her on the sofa staring at the tv. The channel is one I know she hates, so I know she isn't watching. "Hey. Want to talk?" I try.

I'm ignored, so, after a moment, I ask, "Can I sit with you?" She shrugs, but doesn't make room for me, so I softly sigh and draw the armchair a little closer to the couch. Before sitting down, I try to reach out and touch her, but she flinches away.

"I called Faith. I'm, uh, I'm staying home tonight. We can do what we planned, if you want."

She still doesn't look at me, but finally, so softly I'm not sure I would've heard in not for Slayer hearing, she says, "Not much in the mood now-"

"You sure?" I ask, moving a little, so I can squat down to see her face. "We can put in a movie."

After a moment, Willow answers me, the pain in her voice, the tears in her eyes, driving daggers through my heart. How had I hurt her so much? Didn't I love her more than anything else on the whole damned planet? "You don't want -you just- If you had wanted, you would have remembered."

Her answer stuns me. I had no idea she could think that I didn't love every second I spend with her and wish it could be more. "I did- I do - want this! Faith was just all excited about a nest she found and I was caught up in it, that's all."

As I watch her, tears begin to slip down her snowy cheeks. It's all I can do to keep from throwing my arms around her and begging her to not cry. That everything's fine, or I'll make it fine, no matter what.

"Faith." she whispers.

I don't understand what she means when she says Faith's name like that, but it makes me feels uneasy. "Yeah. You know how she is when she wants something."

She looks away, tears still falling at irregular intervals. "Yeah-I know." she says, sounding, for some reason... bitter?

I reach out and take her hands in mine. Every other time we've held hands, she's held mine back, but this time, except for the warmth and the slight shaking, I might as well be holding hands with a corpse. I feel my eyes widening as I start getting scared. What did I do to create this?

I really don't understand what I've done, but what ever it is, I have to fix it. I can't lose her. I can't!

"Willow, I'm so sorry."

Willow glances back at me, wiping at her face, then looks back at the tv. "I know - let's just -" she stops, then sighs deeply, a hitch in her voice. "I don't want to talk, ok?"

I can only nod. "Ok." I look down, asking softly, "Can I just sit here with you?" I look back up at her, just as she turns her head to look at me. For some reason, my vision is a little blurry.

The love of my life regards me steadily for moments, then, slowly, she slides a bit, giving me room to sit with her. I stand, then sit down, our hips touching. As soon as I'm on the couch, she turns back to television, ignoring me.

I ache to take her in my arms, but I'm not sure she'll stay there. I'm terrified to find out if she'll allow me touch her, or if she'll get up and leave me here alone.

Turning my attention to the tv, I watch for a moment, then realize what's on. I actually like this show, but rarely watch it, because Willow doesn't like it at all. She thinks it's silly and usually will only sit through it if I insist.

"Hey, I thought you hated this show?" I ask quietly in her ear.

She shrugs indifferently. "I hadn't noticed it was on."

I start to touch her arm, then stop, then go ahead and gently touch her. I stare at the screen for a minute. "We can watch it if you want."

Another indifferent shrug. "Doesn't matter."

I just sit, keeping my hand where it is, but not making any other move, tough I want to. I want to make her look at me and tell me what I did wrong, so I can fix it, but I don't. I just sit and endure the silence, waiting for her to start talking to me again, knowing she's said all she's going to tonight.

After hours of staring at the tv screen, having no idea what's been on all night, I get up, frustrated. "I'm gonna go work out for a while." I tell Willow. She says nothing, just continues to keep her eyes on the tv. I start to reach out to her again, but stop my hand short and let it fall. Growling under my breath, I turn and head for the spare room Xander and I turned into a work out room.

I quickly change into a pair of shorts and strip down to my tank top. Taping my hands, I start with lifting a few weights, but am draw inexorably to the heavy bag. After a few light taps, I begin to throw punches, and a few kicks, with more force, finally hitting the blank leather face as hard as I can. For hours, I pour my frustration, my worry, my lack of understanding for the situation into the impassive object. I quickly build up a sweat and am glad I do. Now I can pretend the moisture flying from my face is nothing but perspiration and that's all.

When I can no longer lift my arms, I stop and fall to the floor, trying to catch my breath, but mostly failing. I gasp, trying to pull enough oxygen into my starving lungs for minutes, before my breathing and heart rate slow enough to be considered high.

Finally, I push myself to my feet and stagger from the room, my Slayer healing ability helping me to regain my strength rapidly. By the time I reach the living room, I'm fine again.

The tv is still on, splashing garish colors around the room and across my love. I notice she's finally moved from her seat, as she's gotten ready for bed. She's wearing her favorite flannel pajamas, the ones she says she loves cause they keep her so toasty.

I remember the first time she said that. I got all pouty and reminded her that that was what I was for, to keep her warm. She'd smiled and told me they helped until I got home. As I think back now, was there a hint of sadness around her eyes even then? I don't know.

I approach quietly, but say, before I can startle her, "Willow? Baby? I'm gonna grab a shower, then I'll be ready for bed, ok?"

She gives a curt nod and I turn with a sigh. After washing off the stink of my exercise, I return to find my redhead asleep on the couch, her head pillowed on her arms. I start to wake her, but the evenings silence gives me pause and I decide, somewhat reluctantly, to let her sleep a little while where she is. I'm confident she'll wake in a bit and come to bed. After all, how many times had I come home from patrol and found her asleep just like this, but in bed by the time I finished my shower.

Reaching down, I tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear and softly kiss her forehead, then turn and head for our bedroom. I have to force myself those first few steps, but eventually find myself on my side of the bed and sit down. Turning out the lights, I slide between the covers and settle in, trying to court sleep.

A few minutes later, I roll over onto my other side, then minutes later, my back. I toss and turn, rest eluding me like a laughing vampire. I stare at the walls, the ceiling, my pillow for hours, knowing why I can't sleep, yet doing nothing about it.

Finally, somewhere around three, I get up and go check on Willow. She's still on the sofa, though curled into a ball with the chill of the room. My breath escapes in a gasp as I marvel at her sleeping beauty, as I've done so many times over our time together. If she didn't already own my heart and soul, I'd give them to her right then as I stand, once again mesmerized.

I start to pick her up and carry her to bed, but, once again, I think about the night before. After a few minutes consideration, I decide that she must have her reasons for being that upset with me. I may not understand them yet, but I can't force her to talk about them. 'Besides,' a quiet, traitorous voice whispers, 'What makes you think she stills wants you?'

I shake my head, ignoring the voice. 'We can fix this.' I tell myself. 'We have to.' Deciding to give her the space she obviously wants, I get a couple blankets and a pillow. Lifting her head slowly and gently, I put the pillow under her head and drape the joined blankets over her, carefully tucking them under her to keep her warm. Bending over her, I kiss her forehead again, then her cheek.

Returning to our room, I lay down and go back to staring at the ceiling, waiting for morning.

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